MINIGAME MAYHEM

FRANK’S FOR THE MEMORIES

Also known as the Concentration Game, it’s the standard match-two-faces card game we all know. It’s fun, earns money, and there’s only six possible patterns. A perfect game nets $720.

BREAK DOWN THE WALL

Sadly not an introspective reflection on how the collapse of the Berlin Wall changed the political sociocultural landscape, but rather just Breakout. AKA Arkanoid. AKA Block Kuzushi.

UNCLE CHAN’S QUESTION PALACE

A cool quiz show with questions based on in-game events. Tip: when you first push the controller button to start the question, keep it held down to speed up the text and beat your opponents.

LOTTERY HOUSE

Pay $100 to select an animal and letter, then hope they come up during the draw. You’re guaranteed to win the number draw, which yields $50. Matching animals and letters is difficult, though.

U-BETCHA CASINO

Three dice are thrown and you need to guess whether the total is low (ten or less) or high (11 or more). Since the range is between three and 18, you basically have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

MOLE

Classed as a job, a perfect session nets you between $600 and $700. It’s also fast, so with a little practice can be the primary earner when grinding for cash. Each button corresponds to a mole’s hole.

FAST EDDIE’S HORSE TRACK

You need to pick both the first and second place winners, making this one a bit tricky. The odds shown affect payouts, but really there’s no skill here. It’s all luck and the winner seems arbitrary.

MAZE

A slow-moving first-person maze, sort of like Wizardry but without enemies. There’s two in the entire game, and they yield some decent rewards, but the novelty of it wears off fast.

SAMMY RYE’S CIRCUS SIDESHOW

The scientific explanation for this game would be described as: expulsion of methane from one’s colon via dilation of the anus. Basically watch Ebisumaru dance, split into four, then fart ’til you blackout.

PAINT

Another job, this time it’s a game of snake where your tail just keeps growing. If you double back over yourself then it’s game over. Mildly entertaining but very difficult to earn good money.

STRIPTEASE

Censored in the west, the data for this room was seemingly removed from the ROM. In the Japanese version, in Warlock Zone VI, Goemon fist-pumps the sky while watching a non-nude striptease.

HOCKEY

Explore the sad reality of working class life in a northern British town as you befriend a kestrel. Not really, it’s just air hockey. Like normal hockey, but played with an oxidised trombone.

FORTUNE HUT

Pay a fee to have your fortune told. If good, you walk outside to be greeted by women who give you money; if bad, you’re accosted by enemies or, worse, deer who can’t be killed without fines!

GOBLIN

Try to throw balls at a demon’s vase using a moving reticule. The cheapest job in Mystical Ninja but also the worst to play. Stupidly difficult and just boring. Never ever play this.

GRADIUS

A cute, shrunken-down version of the entire opening stage of Gradius. The power-ups and enemies are all here, just adorably small now. You might as well call it Chibi Gradius!