Hot Topic: Sacred Cows
The games we hate, despite popular opinion
Darran, Nick and Tim are feeling hungry and prepare to carve up a bunch of classic videogames. Prepare to get salty
It would be a dull world if we all agreed on everything, and while it’s sometimes easy to understand what others see in games we don’t like, other times we’re left totally baffled. With that in mind, let’s find out which games the Retro Gamer team has spicy hot takes on.
NICK So, which highly rated games did you guys fail to get on with? Feel like slaying any sacred cows?
DARRAN Let’s make some beef sandwiches!
TIM Speaking of cows… Red Dead Redemption II.
DARRAN How so? What don’t you like about it.
TIM EVERYTHING! The setting, the characters, the story and the stupid amount of time I tried to convince myself I was enjoying the online portion. Oh, and having to tap the button to sprint.
DARRAN You must have loved reading Drew’s Future Classic last issue then! I must admit, I loved the first, but haven’t found time for the sequel yet. I’m waiting for a price drop on PC – I read an article about bird-watching in the game and it’s made me want to play it, purely because of that.
NICK So how about you, Darran? I’m curious as to what kind of beef sandwich you’re making.
DARRAN I’m making a sandwich with a healthy dollop of Shenmue and Shenmue II in it.
NICK That sounds like a very large, expensive sandwich that would take forever to make. I reckon it’d be tasty though.
TIM With you on that, Darran. That stupid tree at the end of II.
DARRAN The end of II, Tim? I didn’t bloody get past the arcade. I’ve never got past the arcade in any of them. My biggest issue was the promise of pure interaction. When you’re in Ryo’s house, you’re like, “This is amazing,” but the further you move away, the less interaction you actually have. It’s the first time I’ve ever been hoodwinked by the promises of the developer.
NICK I can see how you’d feel let down. There’s a lot of detail that doesn’t need to be there, and it’s not often used in ways that actually enhance the gameplay experience in any way.
DARRAN So come on, Nick. This is where you tell us that Sonic The Hedgehog is overrated and not as good as Sonic 2.
NICK Honestly, I like Sonic 2 – it’s just that it’s got some really cheap moments in it, like those bastard mantis bots in Metropolis Zone. Plus, I like the way you really have to earn momentum in the original game, and the addition of the spin dash does away with that a bit.
It’s definitely not the best Sonic game like people say it is, though. However, the game I do truly detest is Diablo II.
DARRAN Wowsers!
TIM I didn’t play much of Diablo II but I have ‘completed’ Diablo III.
NICK I just couldn’t get into the game. Click click click, that enemy’s dead. Start clicking the next one. Repeat ad nauseam. Honestly, I know there’s some looting and inventory management to do, but if the majority of what I’m doing is mindless clicking, Cookie Clicker is better.
DARRAN Says the man who presses right to win Sonic games!
NICK I am the best presser of right, though.
TIM Speaking of going right… I can’t stand Mario, himself or the games. Might be because I worked on a Nintendo mag for quite a long time.
DARRAN Did they force you to play through Hotel Mario as a rite of passage, because that would put me off the series.
TIM No, but I had to play Sunshine and that was bad enough.
DARRAN Working on Cube must have been a terrible experience with all those Mario games!
TIM “It’s-a-me! Wahooo!” The snivelling little b…
NICK Before we stop being family-friendly, Darran, do you have any others?
DARRAN Yes I do, several in fact. I thought Mass Effect 2 was decent, but nothing spectacular, I likewise thought Bioshock was massively overrated (and the rest of the series for that matter) and I’m not the biggest fan of Jet Set Willy.
NICK I liked Bioshock a lot, but I hate it now because it makes me throw up.
DARRAN I’m amazed you were able to play it with your weak firstperson shooter tolerance.
NICK That was in ‘the before times’. Speaking of things I can’t tolerate, I hated the Resident Evil 2 remake – it’s a fantastically wellmade game, but I have a phobia of zombies. The whole experience of reviewing it nearly broke me.
DARRAN Well that just serves you right for completing the original game before me. So Tim, are there any other games you think are overrated?
TIM Gears Of Bore, I just can’t get on with them. They’re just intensely dull games, and there’s far too much talking.
DARRAN I think it’s the only franchise I can think of where the necks of characters get specifically wider with each new release.
NICK Speaking of games beginning with G… good lord the older Gran Turismo games. It’s the most realistic console racing series, but you can’t damage your car. There are a million cars, and most of them aren’t actually ones you’d race with without being forced to. The licence test tedium, the robotic enemy racers. Yeah, they’re big. Yeah, they look good. But are they fun? Not in my book.
DARRAN Ooof! That’s a gut punch and a half. I actually don’t mind the early games, but agree the AI makes for dull racing. On the subject of critical Playstation games, I’m not super keen on any Final Fantasy games that don’t have card minigames in them.
TIM “The random rule has been introduced”…
DARRAN Apparently there was a standalone release of Triple Triad which sounds amazing, but is probably rather expensive now.
TIM Anyone up for a game of Lucky Hit?
DARRAN Now that’s one thing I did like about Shenmue. Maybe I’ll give it another try…