Case cracked

If something doesn’t quite fit, then it’s telling you all isn’t well. The experienced builder knows it’s time to stop and look at the problem, but not every builder’s experienced….

One thing you could guarantee about Norman was his unshakeable belief that he knew everything about scooters, whereas the rest of us were in agreement he knew naff all about them. Even when it was as clear as daylight that he was making a mistake, no one dare mention anything. If they did then whatever implement he had in his hand would be launched at your head at lightning speed. So famous were his calamities that once news spread that he was stripping a scooter down on the drive it was a race to get around there as fast as possible so we could watch the drama unfold.

Due to his work commitments, Norman only got the chance to tinker with scooters on a Sunday but what the hell, it was always a good afternoon’s entertainment to round the weekend off. One summer’s weekend a few of us had been for a rideout and knowing the conditions were good we popped in to see what was happening with the mercurial scooter mechanic. A recently acquired Lambretta Series 2 was providing plenty of headaches for Norman, but plenty of laughs for us. It was one of those scooters that had suffered years of neglect from home bodging and was in dire need of resuscitating.

That afternoon’s surgery involved a clutch change and by the look of the black, charred plates, the old one had given up the ghost sometime in the early 1960s. Armed with a fresh set of plates, some shiny new springs and all the rest of the gubbins that went with it, what could go wrong? Plenty by the looks of it as the hammer and screwdriver soon made their mandatory appearance. “Why are you hitting that when all you need to do is this….,” came a voice from the gathering crowd. The reply wasn’t for public broadcast, certainly not on a Sunday. With his arms swinging around violently and those watching ducking for cover, things were coming up to the boil quite nicely.

For some reason, the whole of the transmission had been ripped out when in all honesty none of it needed removing. By this time the driveway resembled a huge exploded diagram out of a Haynes manual, with bits scattered all over the place. As the sun disappeared behind some ominous rain clouds Norman realised he had to get his act into gear. Things are hard enough when you don’t know what you’re doing in the first place; when you begin to rush things it’s usually a recipe for disaster.

The main problem was with the front cush drive and how to put it back together, not that it had needed removing in the first place. The issue was how to correctly locate the sprocket cap on the spline so that it fully sat home. After around 10 attempts Norman declared it was in position, well, nearly almost. The problem being that it needed to be 100% in place otherwise the casing would foul on it and not seal properly. “It’s near enough,” Norman declared and promptly rushed into fitting the clutch before the heavens opened up.

With everything in place and assembled to his satisfaction it was time to fit the side case but for some reason, it wouldn’t fully tighten up. It was suggested to Norman that the cush drive wasn’t seated correctly. His way around this challenge was to pack the side case out with a couple of extra gaskets. Somehow he managed to tighten things down and it was time to fill the casing with oil. He was using one of those old-style fillers where you pushed the pipe on the end of the bottle and inserted the other into the casing to fill it up. In his increasing haste Norman squeezed the life out of the bottle, the pipe popped off and quickly disappeared into the crankcase.

There was absolutely no chance of fishing it out – even he could see that the only solution was to take the casing off once again. Rather than drain off the oil the decision was made to lay the scooter on its side and remove its chain case with the oil in situ. After undoing all the nuts he whipped the casing off in a fury, ripping the gaskets in half. Luckily one survived but that wasn’t enough to compensate for his previous bodge.

With the wayward filler pipe removed and the casing slammed back on, the process of tightening up could begin in earnest. As the chaincase settled into place there was a slight gap around the front of the casing where the sprocket sat. Norman gazed at the shredded gaskets on the floor but continued to tighten the casing regardless. Eventually the gap closed and he triumphantly declared: “See, I didn’t need them after all, and I saved the bottle of oil too.” Lifting the scooter back on to its stand he stood there proud as a peacock, declaring the job done. As he basked in his own glory a slight cracking sound came from the engine and a split appeared along the entire length of the side case. When fully tightened the pressure of it fouling on the sprocket had been too much and the ancient aluminium casting couldn’t take any more. Everyone gathered around to look, firstly in bemusement then in alarm as Norman’s saved oil began seeping out of the split like a dam that was about to burst its banks. It was a classic example of a hasty repair by Norman but instead of cracking the job easily, the case had cracked on him.

Things are hard enough when you don’t know what you’re doing in the first place; when you begin to rush things it’s usually a recipe for disaster.