JONATHAN CAINER

Hi Jonathan, While reading your recent piece about people who can seemingly start fires with some unconscious, supernatural power, i realised i seem to have a talent for breaking heating systems, particularly when i am stressed. in 2011, during the four weeks prior to moving out of my flat, the heating system broke. Within two days of moving into the new place, the heating system broke. And in the last six months i have had to have heating engineers out six times. After i finished reading, i went to flick the kettle on and the electricity tripped! Sari

ARIES Mar21—Apr20 SOMETIMES, silly things happen for sensible reasons. We can tie ourselves up in knots, wondering why we let this happen or we chose to do that. But at the time, it was what was needed and the upshot, odd though it may seem, is entirely appropriate. Something may now be causing you to feel somewhat baffled and bewildered. But that doesn’t mean you are up against an enormous problem or even an arrangement that ought to be renegotiated. It may just be time to accept, smile and move on. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS Apr21—May21 In courtrooms around the world, defendants are represented by lawyers who tell their story to the judge. Those legal professionals don’t much care how credible the story is. They just make whatever case they can with the information they have been given. ‘Your honour, my client only smashed the window/robbed the bank/danced naked down the High Street because he (or she) was so drunk.’ What kind of an excuse is that? Now, how are you justifying a questionable plan? If you can’t do better than that, don’t do it. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May22—June22 AT THE bottom of your spine is your coccyx, a little selection of bony segments which, if only the human race had evolved differently, might have formed the basis of your mammalian tail. Scientists can’t explain why we are still born with these little additions to our skeletons. But such physical quirks are not the only questionable aspects of human inheritance. We might wonder why so many of us are born with such a marked propensity to worry. What good does that do us? Don’t indulge this today. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER June23—July23 ARE some people’s lives more worthwhile than others? Can we place a higher value on the folk who toil tirelessly for charitable causes than on those who hang around taking drugs, or those who lurk in stockbrokers’ offices buying and selling shares? It may be tempting to draw such distinctions but it is absolutely not OK to do this. ‘Judge not that ye be not be judged’, as the biblical saying goes. It is more important than ever today to proceed with an open mind and open heart. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO July24—Aug23 IS IT possible to have too much of a good thing? Perhaps. But it is surely better than too much of a bad thing. And if a good thing becomes a bad thing by sheer dint of having too much of it, then presumably one can always reduce the amount and turn it back into a good thing again. Whereas any amount at all of a bad thing will be too much! Are you now filling your life with something you really ought to have a little less of, just because you mistakenly feel you would rather have too much than not enough? Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO Aug24—Sep23 WE SPOKE yesterday about how trouble likes to disguise itself as opportunity, and opportunity frequently turns up in our lives wearing the garb of a trouble-maker. I think, given the celestial circumstances that you face now, that I might be inclined to expand on that analogy and suggest that, to all intents and purposes, they are two sides of one coin. If you have ever got the one, all you have to do is give it a flip and it will show you the other face. There is no coin, in your life now, that you don’t have the power to turn over. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606. LIBRA Sep24—Oct23 THE tides always get more intense when the Moon is new and when the Moon is nearly full. They follow a cyclical rhythm. So too do the tides of fate and fortune. Whenever we see politicians racing around compensating for some temporary ebb in the flow of the economy, it is always tempting just to say: ‘Wait a while.’ No tide ever stays out (or in) for ever. You have lately been very concerned about the absence of some material commodity or psychological resource. But it is coming back. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO Oct24—Nov22 SOME promises aren’t worth the paper they are printed on. Others hold true, even if they aren’t ever written down. Members of the legal profession earn a lot of money through persuading the rest of us of the need to draw up contracts and agreements with the tightest wording, making maximum allowance for future betrayal. But most people are fundamentally decent and honourable. They tend to have excellent memories, too. Where you feel inclined to trust a situation now, just trust it. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov23—Dec21 THE Cosmic Union of Guardian Angels, Fairy Godmothers and Protective Spirits is to hold a vote on industrial action. They do not intend to strike for fewer hours. They are eternal beings. They already have all the time in the world. Nor do they want better pay. Etheric entities have no need of money. What’s upsetting many of their members is a simple, basic lack of appreciation. They just want to be recognised. Recognise yours today, and you may yet get so much back in return. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN Dec22—Jan20 I REMEMBER as a child being given a magic wallet. You put a note in it, close it, open it again and, voila, the money was gone. I’ve still got a wallet that works like that. And whenever I see wealthy people out shopping, a part of me always assumes they must have got the wallet that did the trick the other way round. I can’t promise you a magic wallet today. But I can promise you the ability to appreciate the real magic that’s going on in your life. Once you start to see that, it won’t just be your wallet that fills up. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan21—Feb19 ‘WE ALL try to change the world but change has to come from ourselves.’ So sang Kevin Ayers in a poignant song he called Hymn. This wasn’t an original thought. Mahatma Gandhi said something very similar, decades previously. But Ayers, in the Seventies, was doing his best to share that concept with a new generation, just as others try to communicate it now. The world around us is not something over which we have no power. Believe in yourself and you will start to prove that point. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES Feb20—Mar20 ANGELS, according to some experts on the etheric, live among the stars. Whereas fairies, as even the most junior mythologists will confirm, frolic in fields and forests. Lately, as part of our continued quest for an esoteric understanding that might help improve your quality of life, we’ve been discussing whether there really are any significant differences between these two types of winged, spirit beings. Whose help should you call for now? It is a moot point. Both the angels and the fairies will respond to your request. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.