The scam? That such utter trash got made at all

Identity Thief (15) Verdict: Fake comedy

IDENTITY THIEF starts off moronic and then goes downhill. It is laugh-free junk for about 80 minutes. Then it abruptly turns sentimental for the final half-hour, when we’re supposed to start taking idiotic characters seriously, and commend them for warming our collective cockles.

The premise is ridiculous, without being funny. Our hero, Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) gives away enough personal information over the phone for a con artist (Melissa McCarthy, the fat loudmouth from Bridesmaids) to steal his identity.

Why is this improbable? Because Sandy works for a huge investment firm — exactly the kind of person who wouldn’t fall for a scam like this. Amazingly, he gets no help from his credit card companies or the police, and his employer tells him he’s fired if he doesn’t personally bring the thief from Florida to Colorado within a week.

Sandy meets the thief and, inexplicably, she agrees to drive to Colorado with him. Even more implausibly, they bond. You see, she had a deprived childhood and is terribly, terribly lonely. Cue a totally unbelievable character change. And we’re expected to swallow that really, Sandy is the one with most to learn, for his terrible fault is — wait for it — being judgmental!

Most of Identity Thief’s so-called humour is projectile vomiting and nauseating language. This witless trash is an all-time low for everyone involved, except, of course, writer Craig Mazin, who also penned The Hangover Part II.