Why won’t he move in with me?

QUESTION: My partner of five years doesn’t want to move in with me because he fears our love life will become stale. He says over-familiarity ended sex between him and his ex-wife. But I miss him when he’s not with me and fear he might be out, flirting with someone else. Is it unwise to make this a make-orbreak condition?

ANSWER: Is the real issue here that you’re not sure of your man’s lasting attachment? It seems strange to worry he’s out flirting if you’ve been together for five years.

Do you have grounds for distrust? Does he overdo the charm with other women when you’re together, or disappear for nights without t ell i ng you what he’s doing?

If yes, you should end this relationship, not cement it.

But, if no, you’re clearly reacting to someone from your history, such as an unfaithful ex, rather than your boyfriend himself. If you tend to be clingy or suspicious with your partner, he may have good grounds to fear suffocation if he moves in with you.

Nowadays, it’s not unusual, or unreasonable, to be ‘together apart’. It particularly suits older couples, more set in their ways and without young children to consider. It means each half of the couple can live as they like, without rows about mess, money and the TV remote that may have ruined past relationships.

Your partner has a point about sex staying fresher with separate dwellings: t here’s greater spontaneity and excitement without domestic routine. Eroticism is heightened by teasing uncertainty about what will unfold that night.

It’s also romantic to take turns to be the pampered guest or doting host — something many people lose quite early in a relationship. There’s also less chance of demoralising rejection (‘I’m not in the mood’ or ‘I’m exhausted’).

We tend to make more effort with sex when we know our beloved’s presence i sn’t a certainty: there’s an imperative to seduce one another. One friend told me she used to walk to her partner’s flat wearing a corset and camiknickers under a trenchcoat — it’s far harder to pull off that trick when you share a house.

Which is not to say I don’t have sympathy with you. Love is a complex balance between cosy camaraderie and simmering desire. You may lose some erotic tension when a partner moves in, but you gain domestic security.

The problem is that your man equates living together with the end of romance — which is not surprising if sex petered out in his marriage.

Try the art of persuasion. Suggest a fortnight at one house to see how it goes. If he resists all such ideas, you need to ask yourself whether you love this man enough to accept the restrictions.

Are you absolutely certain you wouldn’t get a little bored or irate with your partner if he was in your space 24/7?

Bear in mind how hard it is to find a soulmate in middle age and that relationships mean compromise.

I’ll leave you with this . . . You feel your partner’s separate home demonstrates a lack of commitment to you, but couldn’t it equally show a steadfast devotion to keeping love alive?