What’s the point of a christening, Kate, without batty great aunts like me!
WHAT’S that you say? The greataunts are not invited to the christening? Maude, pass me the smelling salts. Get Agatha on the blower. And please tell me it is not true.
According to royal insiders, a number of senior members of the Royal Family have not been invited to Prince George’s christening, to be held in the Chapel Royal, St James’s Palace, later this month.
Apparently, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge want the event to be an ‘intimate, family affair’ — only without key members of that family present.
You can’t blame them. Can there be a bigger bore on the planet than a middle-ranking, awfully-pleased-with-oneself, Windsor bore? Say what you like, Andy and Eddie are no one’s idea of a party.
I like to imagine Kate wailing and throwing her LK Bennett nude courts across the Kensington Palace drawing room, saying to William: ‘Do we have to invite Andrew and Edward? They are so awfully dull. And if they come, do we have to invite Beatrice and Eugenie, too?’
After all, neither of them can be trusted on the important issue of choosing appropriate christening hats. Not to mention twerking with any passing stuffed bears. It could get embarrassing.
While the names of those who will actually be attending have yet to be released, at l east two i mportant figures have definitely been left off the list — Prince William’s aunts, Princess Anne and Sophie, Countess of Wessex. And that really is a shame.
For what is the point of a christening without a lovely pair of great-aunts to bookend the deal? It’s like Christmas without crackers, Easter sans eggs.
I speak as a newly hatched great-aunt myself, one who — coincidentally — went to a family christening last weekend. And I like to think that my great-aunty role on the day — baby-admiring, dimple-drilling, cheek- pinching, hymn-singing and heroic consumption of egg sandwiches and cups of tea — was absolutely vital to proceedings.
NO DOUBT Princess Anne and Countess Soph would agree that being invited to a family christening is the entire point of being a great-aunt. Something to tide us all over the shock of actually becoming one in the first place.
Why, it seems like just yesterday when I was a dozy teen; dreaming of solving crimes with Starsky and Hutch and saving pocket money to buy my first bottle of Charlie perfume. It must be just the same for Anne (Shetland pony riding) and Sophie (posing topless).
Now here we all are; fully f l edged, gently wrinkled, copper-bottomed great-aunts.
As stock comedy figures, great-aunts are always batty crones, wafting around in faded lace, smelling of lavender and mothballs. Boasting a liverish, spinsterish countenance and mottled hands. With a packet of Imperial Mints stashed in a capacious handbag that has a clasp which snaps shuts louder than a ricocheting bullet.
A great-aunt is a woman making quavery-voiced calls on a candlestick telephone. Who is starting a campaign to Bring Back The Bustle. And whose entire existence makes sense only at the kind of family gatherings that f eature a finger buffet, cream sherry and bawling infant.
Although Buckingham Palace has yet to comment, it seems clear that there will be more Middletons than royals at the much-anticipated christening on October 23.
This gives rise to the spectre of an event where half the Royal Family won’t be there — but that Donna Air, the TV presenter who is dating James Middleton, will be. Maybe Uncle Gary will fly in from La Maison de Bang Bang, too, and show everyone his leg tattoos.
An intimate, family affair? We are talking about the future king, after all. Observers might have hoped for a bit of Tudor- style grandeur, with red velvet robes lined with ermine, a squadron of trumpeters and the entire cast of greater and lesser spotted Windsors on hand.
Yet Pri nce Will i am
is determined to do things his way — and his way increasingly seems to be the Middleton way. For is such a scaled-down christening another example of the middle class-isation of the Royal Family?
A ceremony with no pomp, a nice little Home Counties gathering with granny Carole in pole position and Pippa passing around the pheasant goujons?
Or perhaps the reverse true? William seems increasingly keen to put an ocean of clear blue water between himself and the rest of the clan, particularly the more junior members of The Firm. Having a small christening for Prince George may be intimate — but it also makes it much more exclusive. And underlines the Cambridges’ special status into the bargain.
Sometimes I get rather fed up of William and Kate always saying: ‘We’re ordinary, we’re not really royal, we’re just like you. What us? Special? Aw shucks.’ Then behaving like the Emperor and Empress of Snootyboots on the fly. So I repeat — no great- aunts? That’s a pretty poor show.