MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH QUIZ

Coppers in monkey onesies, Oompa Loompas, airport sniffer bees and bondage lessons in the village hall ...

IT WAS the year we said goodbye to Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela, and hello to our new future monarch Prince George. But elsewhere things carried on much as usual . . .

1. POLICE in Norwich were hunting for suspects who beat up a man outside a city centre kebab shop. They wanted to interview:

a) A gang of skinheads. b) A gang of Hell’s Angels. c) Two men dressed as Oompa Loompas.

2. THE Government launched an advertising campaign aimed at discouraging Romanians and Bulgarians from moving to Britain. How did it attempt to put them off?

a) Telling them there are no jobs. b) Denying them benefits and access to social housing and the NHS for five years. c) Telling them the weather is cold and damp.

3. THE Surrey Police marine unit raided a conference centre and banqueting suite on an island in the middle of the Thames to mount a surprise licensing inspection. What did they find when they burst in?

a) Dozens of Chelsea fans enjoying a marathon drinking session. b) A Boardwalk Empire-themed Prohibition party? c) A teetotal Muslim wedding.

4. HOW did Devon Police emulate their counterparts in North Wales this year?

a) They made a record number of arrests. b) They cut the number of burglaries by 50 per cent. c) They tasered a sheep.

5. MUM Alison Savory decided to boycott Boots the Chemist, in Crowthorne, Berks, because:

a) They gave her the wrong prescription. b) The pharmacist was rude to her. c) She discovered her two sons, aged six and eight, playing with a purple vibrator which they had picked up from a display by the check-out.

6. A HERTFORDSHIRE company was awarded £250,000 to develop a new system for scanning airline passengers at Heathrow for explosives, based on:

a) Lasers. b) X-Rays. c) Sniffer bees.

7. A FEMALE British secret service agent took her employers to an industrial tribunal because:

a) She had been passed over for pro - motion in favour of a male colleague. b) She thought the physical fitness and firearms tests were too tough for a woman. c) She was asked to dress up as a cowgirl at the office Christmas party.

8. TV NATURALIST David Attenborough was criticised by activists for:

a) Not doing enough to promote the ‘climate change’ agenda. b) Disturbing endangered species in the wild. c) Ignoring the sexuality of so-called ‘gay’ animals, particularly the Buff-Breasted Sandpiper , which sticks its rear in the air as a ‘prelude to homosexual mounting’.

9. HOW did missing Somali terror suspect Ibrahim Magag give his surveillance officer the slip?

a) He ducked into a crowded T ube carriage. b) He hailed a London taxi and made his escape. c) He wore a burka.

10. THE multi-millionaire who ran the food processing company which packed its burgers with horse meat is called:

a) Dirty Harry. b) Dirty Barry. c) Dirty Larry.

11. TRANSSEXUAL Katrina Harte, who used to be a man, accused North Tyneside Council of discrimination because:

a)Shewasn’tallowedtouse thefemaletoilets. b)Shewasturneddownfora councilflat. c)Whensherangtoappeal againstaparkingticket,the assistantmistookherforaman becauseofherdeepvoice.

12. THE children’s TV channel CBeebies was f orced to apologise f or broadcasting an old episode of The Tweenies, because:

a) It contained swearing. b) It contained violence. c) It contained a puppet dressed up as Jimmy Savile.

13. AN 81-YEAR OLD Englishman awoke after suffering a stroke, to discover:

a) He had lost his memory. b) He had lost the power of speech. c) He had lost the ability to speak English and could only s peak f l uent Welsh, which he couldn ’t before his stroke.

14. ADIL RASHID, aged 18, who groomed and raped a 13-year old girl he found on Facebook, was spared a jail sentence by a judge at Nottingham Crown Court because:

a) It was his first offence and he promised not to do it again. b) The girl had consented to sex, even though she was under-age. c) Rashid didn’t know that rape was illegal because he had been to a strict Islamic school where he was taught that women are worthless.

15. THE BBC censored a repeat of Fawlty Towers because:

a) It was sexist. b) It mentioned the war. c) The Major was considered to be a racist.

16. WHEN Lesley Ross reported that her car had been stolen in Aberdeen and was spotted being driven through the streets at high speed, how did police respond?

a) They set up road blocks and recovered the car. b) They arrested and charged the thieves. c) After the car was found burned out, they visited Lesley and warned her for making offensive remarks about the thieves on Facebook.

17. THE Britannia Coconutters, a troupe of blacked-up Morris dancers from Bacup, Lancs, may have to abandon their annual 150-year-old dance marathon for charity. Why?

a) Their act has been deemed racist. b) Older members are dying off and Morris dancing doesn ’t appeal to young people. c) Elf’n’safety has decided that, after 150 years, their act is too dangerous.

18. HOW did the Bacup Council ‘undercover’ surveillance team spy on the Britannia Coconutters?

a) They hid behind bushes and used binoculars. b) They blacked-up to blend in with the dancers. c) They wore hi-viz jackets to blend in with everyone else.

19. ESSEX Police scrambled a helicopter and armed response unit to tackle:

a) A team of bank robbers. b) A team of security van hijackers. c) A team of clay-pigeon shooters on local farmland.

20. IVY FOWLER’S 90th birthday party in Brighton was interrupted by:

a) A singing telegram dressed as a fireman. b) A strippagram dressed as a fireman. c) A real f ireman, because the candles on her cake had set off the fire alarm.

21. MOTORIST Shane Burton, from Nottingham, was jailed for eight months for threatening to shoot two bailiffs who were clamping his car. What did he brandish?

a) A starting pistol. b) A sawn-off shotgun. c) A toy lizard.

22. TORY MP Tim Loughton was interviewed under caution for 90 minutes as part of a six-month,

£100,000 police investion into a ‘ hate crime’ allegation. His crime was:

a) To make disparaging remarks about members of other races. b) To make disparaging remarks about members of other faiths. c) To describe as ‘ unkempt’ a stroppy constituent involved in a dispute over an allotment. The man claims Romany origin and complained t hat t he remark was ‘racist’.

23. Ronald Gell, 64, of Alness, Ross and Cromarty, pleaded not guilty to drink-driving after clipping a kerb. He had just bought a bottle of rum from the Co-op. Gell’s defence was:

a) He suffers from a rare medical condition which causes him to appear intoxicated when he isn’t. b) He had eaten a chocolate liqueur which may have unwit - tingly put him over the limit. c) His dog was driving.

24. THE RSPB was forced to close a popular bird-watching site near Gloucester, because:

a) They can ’t afford the maintenance and staff costs because of budget cuts. b) The birds have all flown away. c) It has been overrun by doggers, having casual sex in the ‘park, woodland and hide’.

25. ENGINEERING company chairman Sam Chalmers spotted a man in a hi-viz jacket in the British Airways first class l ounge. What was emblazoned on the back?

a) Airport Security. b) Airport Rescue. c) Airport Chaplain.

26. THE Birmingham-based satellite TV station which broadcast a sermon from a banned hate preacher calling for apostate Muslims who become ‘non-Muslim’ to be murdered is called:

a) Jihad Ts. b) Taliban Ts. c) Peace Ts.

27. AS PART of a £140,000 revamp of Rottingdean seafront, Brighton Council installed:

a) A new promenade. b) A new bandstand. c) New ‘ gender-neutral’ public lavatories, because the concept of separate ‘Men’ and ‘Women’ toilets discriminates against members of the local ‘trans’ community.

28. NAME the special show being staged in Sheffield for the 2013 pantomime season.

a) Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. b) Jack And The Beanstalk. c) The Lady Boys Of Bangkok.

29. MANCHESTER Police announced they were launching a crackdown on ‘hate crimes’ against:

a) days and lesbians. b) Muslims. c) doths, punks and emos.

30. Computer consultant Clive Hunt was denied a job with the NHS after being accused of racism. His crime?

a) He’s a paid-up member of the BNP. b) He’s a paid-up member of the EDL. c) He offered to buy an Asian colleague a bacon sandwich.

31. The girl playing Mary in the Nativity Parade in Neath, South Wales, this year wore:

a) A shawl. b) A hijab. c) A crash helmet.

32. PART-TIME magistrate Wayne Middleton, of Bristol, claimed £ 22,500 i n disability benefits because of fibromyalgia which he said left him ‘unable to walk without serious pain’. In March, he was cleared of welfare fraud despite turning up on a Channel 4 reality show:

a) Teaching salsa dancing and dancing on stilts. b) drass skiing and abseiling down a 150ft tower. c) All of the above.

33. Two damsels in distress wandered into Halifax fire station in the early hours of the morning to appeal for help. What was their problem?

a) Their car was on fire. b) Their cat was stuck up a tree. c) They were lesbians who had handcuffed themselves together during sex and had lost the key.

34. What was the stimulant of choice for the so-called Crystal Methodist, Rev Paul Flowers?

a) hit hats. b) hennomeat. c) hetamine.

35. Blackpool Police abandoned plans to arrest Rita Astbury and escort her to court, where she was facing charges of failing to send her grandchildren to school. Why?

a) She successfully applied for an adjournment. b) She agreed she would walk the children to school in future. c) Weighing in at OSst, she was too fat to put in the police van.

36. Nottingham Council is spending £500,000 on a scheme to tackle an obesity epidemic. The money is going towards:

a) Free fitness classes. b) Healthy eating education. c) Reinforced pavements.

37. WHAT was t he revolutionary feature of the living accommodation of a Czech chef now domiciled in Cambridge?

a)Solarpower. b)Super-efficientinsulation andtripleglazing. c)Thetoiletisinthekitchen.

38. Solihull Police tweeted that two of their officers had wrestled a violent man to the ground. They were wearing:

a) Plain clothes. b) Full riot gear. c) webra and Monkey onesies, because they were off duty and on their way to a fancy dress party.

39. THE village hall in Trumpington, Cambridgeshire, was found to be hosting £10-a-day adult classes in:

a) Flower arranging. b) Cake decoration. c) Bondage, spanking, flogging, caning and the erotic application of hot wax.

40. AND finally, to close the 2013 Makes You Proud To Be British Quiz, the late Jimmy Savile is:

a) A much-missed, much-loved entertainer, who did a lot of work for charity. b) The world’s most evil nonce, ever. c) Still dead.

IF SOME of the answers had been a) or b) it would have been crazy enough . . . but I’m afraid the real-life madness was, of course, all contained in the c) answers. Hey, let’s be very careful out there in 2014.