Should I stay in a job I hate — or quit and go on benefits?

DEAR BEL

I AM 54 and exhausted with life and work.

I’ve known my husband for 14 years, but we married only last September. Tom has been medically retired since I’ve known him, with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and other mental health issues.

His medication keeps everything controlled and because of this we chose to marry.

He will never work again and is on a pension for life, which is adequate but will not sustain us.

I have to work to pay the bills and to have a reasonable standard of living. I have managed to pay off the mortgage and so our outgoings are a lot less than most people’s.

We live in a lovely rural area, with my job a ten-minute bus ride away. Tom likes being a house-husband, doing all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We have a dog and a cat but no children.

I ’ ve worked i n my present organisation for more than 25 years, but last July was given notice of redundancy with a pay-off and final date. It had been on the cards for a while.

I felt I could take my chances in the job market, cushioned by redundancy money. I knew my age might have been a small problem, but at least I’d have some money behind me. But then I found another post within my organisation and took up my present role last September, after our marriage.

At first it seemed a good move — keeping my service in the job and my pension. Now I know the new role is not for me.

With the redundancy package no longer on offer, I’m stuck in a job I hate. A few weeks ago I had a major meltdown and (after discussions at home) was at the point of handing in my notice. But reality hit me and I couldn’t do it. I knew my pension would be frozen. Now there’s another 13 years before I can retire.

I’m so tired of all the stress. I have unsuccessfully applied for dozens of positions and just want a nice little job with no aggravation and a chance to enjoy quality time with my husband and pets.

We haven’t had a holiday for years; we didn’t even have a honeymoon. Tom’s condition does restrict us, as he can’t cope with change or upheaval.

What should I do? Resign after 25 years’ service, freezing my pension? Go on benefits and try to find another job? Or stick with what I have and hope things get better?

My sensible head tells me to stay put, but my heart says just go and be happy. What would you do?

MARIA

People don’t often write to me about work problems, which is surprising when you consider how much time is spent at work and how frustrated aspirations, as well as clashes with colleagues and bosses, can make life a misery.

Your direct question made me think hard. I once resigned from a great job, realising that I was only staying for the money. But then, it was easy for me to take the hit because I was supported by my husband. So no courage there, just wounded pride because I felt I wasn’t respected.

In your case, to be honest, given the circumstances I think I’d stay. But that’s a top-of-head response. This is very tricky.

It sounds to me as if there might be personality clashes at work. or perhaps too much responsibility?

Why so much stress? Since you started this new post just after marrying Tom, I am wondering if there’s any connection.

You see, you bravely committed yourself to a man with mental health

problems at the same time as committing yourself to a new ‘stretch’ at work — when you had actually grown to like the idea of redundancy/freedom.

Perhaps last September you heard prison doors closing behind you and couldn’t breathe.

It’s significant that you bemoan not having holidays as if this was your job’s fault, then immediately mention Tom’s inability to go away.

So I suggest your stress could be partly caused by the frustration people feel when the person they love is also the person who sets up the barriers to the life they would choose if free to do so. Perhaps you should think about that — not to feed any sense of entrapment, but to be honest about the workhome balance.

Loving and supportive, you’ve committed yourself to Tom, your home and your beloved pets. Focus on that, and see how good it can be. Then look at your life at work and think what can be done to improve it.

You say you ‘hate’ the job, but I ask you to consider whether that huge negative is permanent. I suggest you ‘flip’ it and say the job is a challenge, but you won’t let it defeat you. Remember, things do shift and change.

Is there a line manager or human resources person you can confide in about the things that upset you?

If it’s a personality issue, you need to have the right conversations with whoever can help. If it’s the job itself, you need to address how things might be tweaked to make life better. If you feel under-skilled, then perhaps look at a course to put that right. Remember my mantra: ‘We can find a way through this.’

All the while you can casually keep eyes and ears open for any new jobs.

I also prescribe some spoiling: a massage, a facial, a new dress. Reflexology is wonderful for helping to calm, and such things aren’t trivial but reviving.

Lastly, talk to Tom and make a joint plan involving something new, even if it’s just a couple of new pots or flowers which you plant together. Try jasmine, to make each breath a delight on summer nights.