I’m distraught my children are single
DEAR BEL
MY HUSBAND and I are retired, very happy and live full, busy lives. We have two children, a boy and girl, 36 and 34, both good-looking, thoroughly nice people, popular at work and with their friends. Kids to be proud of, really.
But I am very unhappy with their single status.
My husband feels as I do, although he says the mother feels this more acutely.
They’ve both had relationships but been unlucky.
My daughter’s partner died in an accident a few years ago, and she has made terrific progress since that awful time. She’s been dating again, but no man seems good enough.
Our son split up with his girlfriend of five years last year; then met a nice girl who decided he had too many hang-ups from that previous relationship.
Over the years, we’ve met their lovely partners and have missed them when they’ve gone.
Now I find myself very anxious about time and their single status. Grandchildren? I daren’t think how lovely that would be.
But what I most want is for them to have someone. The thought of a lonely, single old age is not a good one. I know some single people are happy, but plenty aren’t. When you have a happy marriage, you want it for your children.
Have you any advice on how to make this intractable position more bearable?
I’m 68, my husband 74 — both of us busy and lucky enough to be healthy. What worries me is that my feelings will spill over into my relationship with my children. How do people cope with this disabling sort of disappointment?
WORRIED MUM
You must have read the famous passage from Kahlil Gibran’s popular book, The Prophet. His words on marriage are often read at weddings, but this should be on the wall of every parent’s mind: ‘Your children are not your children . . . They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
‘You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.’
Before I continue, let me assure you I know how hard it is to stand back and let your children make mistakes.
As a devoted mum, I’ve done more than my fair share of fretting at 3am, and although mine are now adults (40 and 34) and settled, I know I’ll find myself worrying about an aspect of their lives until I die. That’s what being a loving parent is like.
But i f you were to see some of the subject headings in my ‘Family Problem’ file, you would shiver — ‘ estranged daughter’, ‘sponging son,’ ‘not allowed to see grandchildren,’ ‘ son hates me’ (and many more) — and understand why I’m reading your description of ‘ kids to be proud of ’ and begging you to gain some perspective.
of course I understand your longing for grandchildren. But working yourself up into a state is likely to annoy your son and daughter and drive them away. In your longer letter, you tell me you sent them a book on how to find a partner. Not a good idea!
Your children have both experienced heartbreak, and bereavement will have knocked your daughter for six. You say she is doing well, but please leave her alone. In time she might meet another good man. At 34, she has plenty of time.
As for your son, that young man of 36 was in a long relationship which ended. The recent girlfriend’s decision indicates he is still suffering — so you have no choice but to let him be. Some people find the love of their life at 40 or 50. You can’t hurry fate
I t disturbs me t hat you t al k of ‘disabling disappointment’. Honestly, you really have to fling off these neurotic, negative thoughts.
You and your husband have each other, many friends and activities, two fine human beings as children and a future which will bring all sorts of surprises.
Each one of us should stop each day and consider what there is to be thankful for. Please stop being ‘worried’ about things you cannot control and realise how you are blessed in life’s richness.
Just wait and see what those kids of yours do. And back off!