I just can’t forgive my husband for visiting prostitutes
DEAR BEL FOR almost 45 years I have been happily married to the same man (we are in our 60s) and have a married son and daughter and four grandchildren.
But three weeks ago I found out that for the past five years my husband has been visiting a massage parlour about three or four times a year.
He tells me he has never had full sex, but that they have performed other sexual acts on him.
My husband is a good husband and father but for the past six years or so has not shown me much affection, especially in the bedroom.
Up until then we always had good sex then he told me he didn’t have the same urges.
I assured him it was not just about sex, but I needed love. I often told him that I felt he just had brotherly love for me.
I occasionally cuddled up to him but then I just felt he didn’t want me. He was even prescribed Viagra from the doctor, then made the excuse that his blood pressure was high.
I am writing to you because I have no one I can speak to.
I don’t want to confide even to my best friend (I’ve known for 60 years) because of the shame of it all and I don’t want my family to find out.
Why do I want to protect this man who has deceived me? He tells me he loves me and has never stopped loving me and wants us to stay together.
He is totally remorseful and very upset at what he has done to me and wants us to get back to how things were before this all happened.
I am absolutely shocked, devastated, jealous and heartbroken and cannot believe his deceit.
I t hink about what has happened every minute of the day and how he prefers these other women to me.
Do you think there is a future for us? At this moment in time I feel I will never forgive him or get over it.
GEORGINA
Of course it’s entirely understandable that you cannot bear to talk about this to anyone — as much in self-protection as in consideration for the standing of the husband who has shocked and hurt you so much.
Nevertheless you shouldn’t have to go through this alone, which is why I believe it would do you good to get in touch with relate to find out your nearest centre.
even one conversation with a trained counsellor might help you to pick your way through the tangle of your feelings. And it could be that, after a single session, you manage to persuade your husband to go along with you for couple counselling.
You need to take action. one thing I am sure of: you and he can have a future, but only if you have the courage to face up to what has happened with honesty and mutual understanding.
That’s why I suggest you seek help — rather than throw it all away.
regular readers will know that the issue of wives feeling rejected in the bedroom has recently cropped up more than once.
In fact I have another letter here, from a
lady I’ll call R, whose husband is finding satisfaction in watching internet porn. She writes with sadness about the end of their sex life, and adds: ‘I cannot talk to friends about this as I would never let him down.’
I would give R the same advice: talk to a professional who will not judge, but try to help.
One of the things a Relate counsellor will try to help you work through is the bitter disillusion experienced when you discover that the man you call ‘husband’ has acted (or is acting) in a way you find frankly repulsive.
Then you question whether you ever really knew him at all — and whether you want to continue sharing your home with this stranger. That’s a very tough dilemma — and t akes much patient t hought, involving the acknowledgement that people we love do change.
Some men reach middle age and find themselves longing for sexual experiences they might once have thought tacky; there is a darker side to human sexuality which can flare when (perhaps) there is a fear of failing powers, of age, even of death.
Sexual gratification without love has been sought by men ( and women) since the beginning of time — and perhaps we need to accept the fact that we never fully know another human being, no, not even one we love very much.
But I don’t think you should believe for one moment that your husband ‘ preferred those other women’ to you. When a man pays for sexual services, he is not expressing emotion, just need. This will not be the first time the wife is on a pedestal and the sex worker prostrate on the ground far below.
I believe your husband means every word of contrition, every syllable of love and that fervent wish to continue ‘how things were’.
Of course, he must realise that is impossible. He has to prove to you how sorry he is, and even then you may not want to know.
To be able to sustain a life together, it’s necessary to learn to live with a changed reality. You will find this very hard, but brooding ‘ every minute’ is not going to help you. As your shock recedes you may decide to forgive the flawed man you married — but I repeat, don’t try to work this out on your own. Unburden yourself to Relate.