Should I save my cruel half-sister?

DEAR BEL MY PARENTS divorced when I was small, and both remarried to other people. Unfortunately I didn’t get along with my stepfather at all, and eventually was sent by him to live with my father, who had by then a daughter with his new wife.

I wasn’t made very welcome in that household, either. My younger half-sister lived a life of ease and privilege, attending private schools, taking music and language lessons, and going on overseas shopping trips with her mother. (Neither of them were very nice to me, in fact at times they were downright nasty.)

On my sister’s 16th birthday, my father threw a huge bash and invited more than 100 guests, presenting her with diamond earrings.

For my sweet 16th, I’d been taken to a chain restaurant, and given hand-me-downs from my stepmother.

My sister even attended modelling school, because she dreamed of being a cover girl for a teen magazine.

Meanwhile, I attended the local comprehensive, and my father complained whenever I asked for money for school supplies, telling me to ask my mother instead — not easy when her husband had banned her from having anything to do with me!

As soon as I finished school, I left home and made my own way in life. Eventually I found happiness, and had nothing more to do with my father, and only sporadic contact with my mother.

Recently my father got in touch with a request. My younger halfsister, who is now a mother herself, needs a bone marrow transplant, and they want me to take a test to find out if I am a match. There are no other siblings, so I am their biggest hope.

I am extremely disturbed by this sudden demand, and angry, too — how dare they? I said I needed time to think about it.

I am so mixed up about this. On the one hand, I certainly don’t owe them any favours. On the other hand, there’s a small child involved, who never did anything to hurt me.

Please give me your wise counsel.

BEA

YOUR letter is heartbreaking; I simply can’t understand how two selfish adults could have so neglected the child they bought into the world, making her feel so unloved. I have no reason to think you are exaggerating what happened; the unequal treatment of two girls is unforgivable — and utterly beyond me. This is an example of the Cinderella situation, isn’t it?

The uncompromising message of that fairy tale (and others) is that those who do wrong are punished in the end, while the downtrodden can, through their own strength and goodness of character, achieve success and happiness.

Variants of the story occur in Indonesia, the Philippines, Armenia, Japan, India, China and Germany ( which tells us much about potential problems involved with re-marriage, then and now) and in most of them the step- sisters are punished horribly.

There may be natural justice in that — yet bloodthirsty retribution, like blindness or illness, does not sit well with the idea of Cinders being essentially a good person.

I prefer the French version by Charles Perrault, dating back to 1698. He allows the two wicked step-sisters forgiveness: ‘They threw themselves at her feet, begging her pardon for all the ill-usage they had made her suffer. Cinderella raised them and kissed them, saying that she forgave them with all her heart, and entreated them to be loving to her always.’

You can probably see where I am going with this. You have every right to feel disturbed and indignant because your father, who was so grudging in his generosity (and I won’t even use the word ‘love’) has chosen to make contact now simply because he wants something from you.

But you are also revealing the essential goodness of your nature when you write, ‘there’s a small child involved who never did anything to hurt me’.

It would also be fair to point out that your half- sister cannot be held entirely responsible for the way she was brought up, even if she went along with it. She was spoilt by her mother and your father, but surely the burden of moral responsibility l i es with them, not the child they mis-shaped?

Of course you need time to think, but I hope that you will agree to the test. If you are found to be a match then the greater decision will come later, but at this stage I believe you will feel better if you are able to hold out some hope to those who treated you badly.

Truly, it is always better to do the right thing, if we possibly can.

You don’t have to re-establish any false relationship with either of your parents, but you could contact your half- sister directly, and perhaps meet up with her and your niece or nephew.

You will always be affected by the treatment you received and bruised by the lack of love, but that can be redeemed by showing compassion now. This is surely a part of the ongoing ‘happy ever after’ which you deserve.