Why’s my sister so horrible about my partner?
DEAR BEL MY SISTER is driving me mad by saying negative things about my partner. She believes I would be better off with somebody else.
I can’t make her understand that is not an option for me, because I have a disabled child and can’t shop around (as far as relationships go). I have to take what I can get — as not many chaps would want to take on all of my baggage.
Anyway, my man is fine, but my sister just doesn’t think so. She has told me he has an ulterior motive for being with me.
We met on the internet a few years ago and she thinks he was only interested in me because in my profile I described myself as ‘solvent with own home and car’.
She says it is not normal for a live-in partner to pay nothing towards the bills, mortgage etc, but I don’t see it that way. After all, it is MY home — although I had to have his name put on the deeds when we re-mortgaged last year, but to all intents and purposes it is still mine.
He would give me money, if he could, but is always broke. He does pay for me when we go out, although we don’t do that often.
A good, hard-working man, he does two jobs. He comes home at the end of his day job, has dinner then goes straight out for the night job for six hours or so. My sister doesn’t believe he is actually working and asks, ‘Where is the money from all this work?’
She thinks he probably has a secret ‘other’ life but won’t l i sten when I tell her that i s rubbish.
If I can’t get her to stop saying these unkind things about my lovely man — who is so good to my son — I will have to tell her to keep out of my life.
I know she is only behaving like this because she is jealous, so please print a reply as I am sure she will listen to you.
DELLA
An old dilemma is raised by this letter: how far should family members seek to interfere in each other’s affairs? It can cause great hurt and potential conflict when people forget tact and fail to remember that even their relatives have a right to privacy.
on the other hand, it is very hard to stand by and watch your mother/ f ather/ sister/ brother/ grandchild/ niece remain in a situation where he or she is vulnerable to hurt.
It’s admirable to be concerned about relatives who seem oblivious to the truth of their situation, but it is not appropriate constantly to snipe and undermine if it causes real unhappiness. This is a minefield.
I was rather disconcerted by your own rather negative description of this relationship, in terms of it being the best you can do. But then I read on and was touched by your pride in this hard-working, if impoverished, man and emphasis on how good he is to
May the door of this home be wide enough To receive all who hunger for love... May the door of this house be narrow enough To shut out pettiness and pride, envy and enmity...
The Siddur of Shir Chadash (Hebrew prayer book)
your disabled son. You have also been together ‘a few years’ so presumably feel stable in this relationship.
Yet to be fair, any sister might feel concerned at a financial imbalance in her sibling’s relationship which could leave her open to exploitation.
She was worried your partner was attracted as much to your house and car as to you, but I can see this seems less likely to be the case after a few years of living with you and your son.
Yet, such things are not unheard of, and it does bother me too that he is always ‘broke’ when he has two jobs. how can that be? Does he have another family?
Surely it would only give him dignity to contribute something towards household expenses? I think it would be fair and just for the two of you to sit down and draw up a careful breakdown of all outgoings then come to an agreement about proportional payment.
If you are sharing a roof, a bed, a whole life, then you should share bills too, as much as possible. there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman having more money and therefore paying more, but it does feel strange for a man who is working to contribute nothing at all. to this extent I agree with your sister and feel you should treat your man as an equal (rather than somebody who is doing you a favour by being with you) and have a proper talk about his role.
as for your sister — you certainly shouldn’t cut her out of your life. But she should now shut up.