I’m obsessed with an older woman

DEAR BEL I ALWAYS read you and admire the way you always try to give a balanced, heartfelt view of things. With this in mind, I find myself desperately wanting your view on my personal dilemma.

I have discussed it with one discreet friend, but he just dismissed it out of hand. Even though this will seem trivial to most people, I believe that you might possibly understand my feelings.

Here goes — I am 35 and single, and last year I met the most wonderful woman through work. Normally I date girls my own age, who I have usually met in clubs. Those dates are short-lived, though, because they’re based on physical attraction — in other words, sex.

By the time I get to know the girls, I’m bored, so I end it. The woman at work is in her 50s (yes, I know . . .) and incredibly beautiful as well as being extremely self-assured.

She is highly intelligent, witty, and not at all superficial. Conversation is wideranging, and when I’m with her I don’t want the day to end. She has a partner and no idea how I feel about her, but I know she definitely likes me.

I realise, of course, that we cannot have a future together, but I would love to ask her to spend a whole day with me. My friend said, ‘Don’t go down that road,’ but he doesn’t know how I feel. If she and I could spend one day together with no strings attached, it would make me so happy.

Would I be wrong to ask her?

GRAHAM

Thank you so much for your praise, which I really appreciate — especially as it gives me the chance to thank here all those kind readers who have recently sent me the most lovely cards and emails. Reading them always makes my day and bestows renewed energy.

Every dilemma feels significant to those tormented — although of course those who write in with the most terrible family or marriage problems will indeed think yours trivial. But I’ve chosen it today because it raises interesting and relevant questions of how we can shift our lives towards fulfilment.

It may come as no surprise to you that I don’t think your ongoing crush on this terrific lady is going to make you happy at all. Crushes are normal; what makes us grow is how we deal with them.

Shall we approach your problem by considering that ‘discreet’ friend of yours? You say at the end that he ‘doesn’t know how I feel’ — and yet you told him quite clearly, didn’t you? You rejected his advice because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, therefore I suspect you will reject mine, too!

Since my husband is 17 years my junior, I’m hardly going to counsel against age-gap love — which can work wonderfully or run i nto difficulty, just like any other sort of relationship.

Bluntly, if this paragon of womanhood (and she sounds terrific in every way) was single I might counsel you to go for it, because you never know what might happen.

But at roughly 20 years your senior, she has a partner (maybe a husband?) and so even though she likes you, she is likely to think of you as an adorable puppy.

Most women are hugely flattered when a much younger man makes eyes at us (yes, I know this!) and the older we become, the more gratifying it is.

But to ask her to spend a day with you, to try to turn the pleasant work- related interaction i nto something more intense, puts you in danger of (a) causing trouble within her relationship, (b) prompting her to laugh at you, and (c) receiving a putdown that will hurt you and spoil the warmth of this acquaintance. I wouldn’t do it.

What I want to examine is this business of girls, clubs, sex and swift endings. People can (and do) meet their life-partners in noisy bars and clubs. But since it hasn’t worked for you yet, why don’t you find another way of forming relationships?

Your attraction to the woman at work is partly based on the fact that she is gorgeous, but with the allimportant additions of intelligence, confidence and personality.

Imagine talking to her if she were not fanciable. You’d like her, yes? therefore I believe you should think of ways of meeting women in your own age group (give or take ten years each way) which are somewhat more sophisticated than the blare of hip hop and the attitude of: ‘Get your coat, you’ve pulled.’

Since this f ascinating older woman likes you (and there’s no reason to doubt that) you must have qualities that appeal to her intelligence. Isn’t that side of you what you should be building on?

at 35, you are hardly a boy, so should be looking at ways of improving your inner resources in order to focus on what you most want: a fulfilling love affair and (hopefully) long-term relationship.

Your letter was hand-written — because you didn’t want me to have an email address or because you don’t have a computer? If the latter, then it’s time you bucked up your ideas.

You will make yourself much happier if you make a vow to build on whatever this lady likes in you, to develop skills that give you confidence, to embark on new activities (from cycling to computer programming to learning Spanish, to suggest but three) that will take you out of those boring nightclubs and introduce you to like-minded, bright people.

think how interesting it will make you to all those you meet within work and outside — adding new horizons to the sum of who you are.