No, he’s not my father, he’s my husband
... oh, and he’s also the pastor Rachel turned to for guidance when her last marriage hit trouble
HeR marriage of ten years in crisis, churchgoer Rachel Murray was in despair when she turned to pastor Mike Kelly for guidance in her hour of need.
Having walked out on her husband after months of bitter rows, 30-year- old Rachel, who had two young daughters, poured out her fears that her relationship was beyond repair.
Mike — a grandfather 33 years her senior — listened sympathetically as Rachel talked for hours, and joined her in prayer.
then, moved by her tears, he dropped to his knees, took her hands and told her: ‘I wish I could take all this pain away from you.’
As events would turn out, Mike did help heal Rachel’s emotional pain — but not in the way that their church might have anticipated. Nor John, her husband, who was also, rather awkwardly, a member of the same church.
Just two weeks after leaving her husband, Rachel says that, in a moment of clarity, she realised that she was falling in love with Mike — a man old enough to be her father — and declared her feelings.
the pastor — a twice- divorced father- of-five, whose eldest son was just two years younger than Rachel, discovered that he felt exactly the same way. After wrestling with his conscience — very briefly he admits — Mike Kelly reciprocated.
Six weeks later, Rachel was pregnant with Mike’s child, a daughter, who is now aged six. they were married on Valentine’s Day 2009 when Rachel was pregnant with their second child, a boy, who is now aged four.
Little wonder, perhaps, that when the couple confessed their love to the Pentecostal church they both attended in Lancashire, Rachel — who was at that time still legally married to John — was told she was committing adultery, and Mike was asked to stand down as pastor.
today, the couple have no regrets. Rachel, a rather glamorous and youthful blonde of 37, has grown used to people mistaking her husband (who looks every one of his 70 years) for her father.
Despite what people might think, the couple insist they couldn’t be happier together, bringing up their children and Rachel’s two daughters, aged 12 and ten, from her first marriage, who still have regular contact with their father.
Mike, a retired NHS worker, laughs: ‘Sometimes I get people saying to my children: “Are you out with your grandad?” And I just say: “I wish I was t heir grandad! then I could give them back tonight.”
‘When people ask what Rachel sees in me, I say: “She’s short-sighted. She should have gone to Specsavers.” None of it bothers me.’
Rachel, who qualifies as a paediatric nurse next year, adds: ‘ When we go out, people do assume that Mike is my dad.
‘If I am cuddling him or holding his hand, y ou can see this look of confusion on people’s faces. I find it quite amusing, and just leave them to figure it out for themselves. It doesn’t bother me. I think it’s funny.’
As for their sex life, perhaps all you need to know is that Mike had a vasectomy after their son’s birth — at 66, possibly the oldest man in Burnley to have one.
Rachel says: ‘ We are very comfortable with each other. We respect each other and listen to each other.
‘In the beginning, Mike was worried I’d be attracted to younger men, but looks have never really done it for me anyway. I feel safe, loved and empowered with Mike. I see him as ageless.
‘He treats me like a princess, and even my mother, who’s only two years older than Mike, told me: “It’s better to be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave.”
NeItHeR Rachel nor Mike f eels remotely embarrassed, ashamed or guilty about the way their relationship began — although Rachel admits she was ‘selfish’ to plunge into a new relationship when her two elder daughters hadn’t even come to terms with their mum and dad splitting up.
‘I walked out on my marriage, I believe, for exactly the right reasons,’ she says. ‘there was no affair, although I can see why people might think there was because of how quickly Mike and I got together.
‘Once you have walked out on a marriage, it’s over. Legally, we were still married, yes; but if you want a divorce and there is no relationship between you, as far as I’m concerned that’s not adultery.
‘I didn’t feel bad about it, and I still don’t. I know I tried really, really hard to save my marriage. We’d been to Relate for marriage guidance and talked to the previous pastor.
‘I’d already left my husband when I turned to Mike for help. He didn’t influence me at all because I’d already
made up my mind. Looking back, I did act out of character and it did cause upheaval for my daughters.
‘But Mike and I are still together, so we must be right for each other. My ex was not t oo i mpressed when he found out about us and became very religious with me, saying I was committing adultery. He gave me Bible verses about being sinful.
‘But we have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of our children.’
Mike, who’d known Rachel since she was 23, adds: ‘When Rachel told me she had feelings for me, I felt very surprised. I’d always liked Rachel, but had never imagined we might have a relationship.
‘She was married, so I put that completely out of my mind.
‘But there had always been a bond between us because we are both musicians. On Sundays, she’d play piano at church services while I played guitar; and we rehearsed together midweek.’
Rachel chips in: ‘Mike proposed to me the week after we started going out together, which was quite funny because I told him it was far too soon. But he’d had feelings for me for a while, though mine were a bit newer.
‘After I left my husband, Mike was so supportive. I felt completely overwhelmed and bowled over by his niceness. I’d never looked at him in that way before. I felt totally safe with him and knew he would never hurt me.
‘This is so out-of-character for me — I gave him a hug one day and told him that I had feelings for him. I made the first move.
‘Mike said he’d had feelings for me for a long time, but he couldn’t do anything about it because I was married. I didn’t care that he was 63. I just thought he was lovely.
‘I wouldn’t have been so bold normally, but he made me feel so respected and cared for. I felt good about myself when I was with him and really enjoyed his company.
‘Our relationship did cause quite a bit of controversy, and although I thought our church was a bit harsh towards us at the time, I can see why they felt as they did.’
Mike admits he’d given up on ever f i nding l ove again when Rachel rather unexpectedly fell for him, f i ve months i nto his r ole as pastor.
Married for the first time in his late 20s, he split up from his wife — who he also met at church — after six years , because o f unexplained infertility.
In 1978, at the age of 35, he was married f or a second time to another woman he met at church and who was 17 years his junior. They went on to have five children, now aged between 35 and 27.
They divorced in 1991 after his wife — fed up, he says, of the long hours he was working as a selfemployed bakery driver and contract cleaner — left him.
Living alone, he threw himself into the church, preaching, playing music and stepping up as pastor when the previous pastor left.
Rachel also met her first husband at church, when she was only 14. He was ten years her senior and they married when Rachel was 20. When she made her marriage vows, Rachel says she truly believed that they would stay together ‘till death do us part’.
She says it was because of her deep religious conviction that she stayed in the marriage so long, as differences emerged between them over the years, and they argued. ‘By the time I left my husband, I’d known Mike for seven years,’ she says. ‘I always liked him because he was so very smiley and cheerful. He was very easy to talk to — but there was nothing else. ‘My marriage had been strained for years. I’d tried to put on a brave face and stick it out, but I don’t think I was fooling anyone. No one seemed very surprised when we split up. ‘When I realised i t was over, I rang Mike and said: “I’ve had enough. I’m going to leave. Can you help me?” I left my husband a note saying “I am leaving you” and went to the church with Mike, who did a bit of ringing around to find a place f or me to stay.
‘ Mike never told me what to do, nor tried to i nfluence me. He j ust listened — and there was s omething about his sincerity and warmth that really touched me. For the first time in years, I felt free. It was such a feeling of release. I felt invincible. ‘Mike was just what I needed at that time because it felt so good to be really appreciated. I have wondered if I fell for Mike because I saw him as a father figure — but I don’t think so. If that was the case I wouldn’t be i nterested in the intimacy.’
SHe admits they took a chance with contraception. Having struggled to conceive her daughters, and because Mike was so much older, she assumed she’d be safe — but says ‘Wham, bam, I was pregnant instantly’. Mike, far from dreading sleepless nights at his age, was thrilled. ‘After Rachel stopped breastfeeding, I’d do the night feeds. I didn’t find it tiring at all.’ Rachel adds: ‘ Our son was planned. The conversation went: “Do you think we should have another baby?” And Mike said: “Yeah, if you like.” end of. I found out I was pregnant again the week before our wedding.’
Rachel wore red — her favourite colour — for their Valentine’s Day c hurch wedding, thinking it wouldn’t be appropriate to wear white. Mike wore a matching red shirt. eighty guests toasted their happiness. Rachel says: ‘ Some of Mike’s grandchildren are older than our o wn children, but his kids have all been fine about our relationship. He’d been divorced for 17 years by the time I came along, so it’s not as if I took him away from their mother.
‘In fact, one of his stepsons said: ‘ Mum’s got a toy-boy, you’ve got a toy girl. Good on you, Dad.” Then he asked: “Has she got a friend?” ‘The rest of them were: “Yeah, right, whatever.” No one is bothered by the age gap.’
In ten years’ time, however, when Rachel is still a relatively youthful 47, Mike will be 80. He may be fit and healthy now, but will she end up juggling caring for him as well as the children? ‘I do worry sometimes, because realistically I am not going to live with Mike for ever. We have talked about it. At some point he may have to go into a home. Mike just says: “When the time comes, just do what you have to do.”
‘Our six-year- old daughter has started to realise her dad is older.
‘She did ask the other day: “How old are you, Mum?” and then “How old is Dad?”And then she said: “He’s a lot older, isn’t he?’ and I said: “Have you only just figured that out?”
‘At some point we are going to lose him — earlier than we would like. But at least the time I’ve had with Mike has been good quality. I’ve never been happier.’
Some names have been changed. Rachel and mike feature in the documentary Age Gap Love, which can be viewed online at www.channel5.com/demand5