The man I love is tormented by guilt

DEAR BEL, Twenty years ago, I was widowed at 38 and brought up my sons on my own, with help from my mum. Then I cared for her at home until she died seven years ago aged 90.

I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone. Then, two years ago, I met a neighbour — and we have spent the last two years getting to know each other. We now love each other very much. We’ve spoken about moving in together but Tom still lives with his 34-year-old son.

Tom’s wife died six years ago from alcoholism. Although she made his life a misery, he feels he should have done more to help her and visits her grave regularly.

He feels responsible that his son doesn’t drive and works supermarket nights with no hope of ever being able to move out. (His daughter lives with her boyfriend, and has a good job.)

Tom says he can’t leave his s on because he wouldn’t be able to look after himself properly. He takes him to work every evening and collects him in the mornings too, on his days off. He wants me to be patient and wait (maybe a year) but I don’t know what to do. I do love him and don’t want to lose him, but I thought we’d be together by now, instead of having a couple of hours in the afternoon before he has to go home and cook dinner.

I feel I need more, but don’t want to try to make him do something he’s not ready for. He is so kind and good. Am I unreasonable and should I just be happy to carry on as we are?

SUSAN

Let us look at the issue from the outside. Surely the welfare of both these men is at stake? the father is being a masochist in sacrificing his chance of happiness while the 34-yearold has no hope of changing and developing a life of his own if his over-protective father keeps him in a state of infancy.

I find your description of tom ferrying his adult son about and cooking all his meal s quite shocking. Objectively it is quite hard to respect either man. Certainly you are not ‘unreasonable’ to find the scenario unhealthy as well as threatening to your own future happiness.

Had you said the man-child is afflicted by a mental or physical illness the situation would be different. But somebody needs to ask tom what on earth he thinks he is doing — colluding with his son to keep him imprisoned, effectively, in the family home, with no hope of growing muscles mature enough to break out of the cage?

this, by the way, is not a matter of money — although a recent study has shown that a record 3.3 million 20 to 34year- olds l i ve with their parents and another halfmillion aged 35 to 64 are also living in their family home, often still sleeping in their childhood bedroom.

Sometimes there are good reasons — yet your l etter underlines how important it is for every single parent to prepare offspring for life. to teach them to accept shared responsibility within the home: cooking and cleaning and contributing i n every way possible.

I wonder if tom actually needs his son to be so dependent — as i f somehow it assuages his guilt at feeling (probably irrationally) that he let his troubled wife down.

the son and daughter must have witnessed horrible scenes, and yet the daughter turned out fine. I wonder why? Have you discussed this with tom? Does she visit and have you met her? She might be a good ally for you — as I can’t imagine that she approves of her brother sponging off Dad.

A loving sister and father would, above all, want this young man to start to make something of his life. For example, were tom to move into your house, the son ought to be able to live alone (maybe taking a lodger to help pay bills) like any other 34-year-old.

What does tom want you to wait for? A change in the wind? He should give his son driving lessons for Christmas, with the promise of a cheap car when he passes the test. He should also start teaching him a repertoire of simple dishes, and expect them to be practised.

Ask him to look forward: in 20 years time, when he’s in his 70s and the son is 54, will he still be acting as a skivvy? He must see how pathetic that would be. Since you value tom so much you should point out that he is not being kind to his son or to you or to himself.

tell him — with loving firmness — that 2015 must see a new start. that you will help with the cookery lessons, but that by easter you expect him to come and live with you — or let the son live in your house (if it is smaller, say) while you move across the road. this is the only way forward.