I’m upset by ex-wife’s sex slurs

QUESTION: My partner of 18 months is still close to his ex-wife. She’s very friendly to me, but when I’m alone with her, she’s way too keen on talking about their sex life during the marriage. I find this disconcerting — even more so when she’s disparaging about his performance. How do I deal with this?

ANSWER: If there’s one thing more worrying than the ex-wife who hates you, it’s the ex-wife who clasps you so close, it feels like asphyxiation. This ex is clearly a master of the art, and I bet she’s seen off other women in the past.

You have to play a tactical game and, if you do it right, you may well end up being genuine friends. Strong women tend to respect that power in others.

The most important thing to bear in mind is the fact she is referring to the past. So what if her love life with your boyfriend was disappointing — and who knows if she’s telling the truth on that score? Great lovemaking hinges on chemistry and has very little to do with technique.

The key is to ignore her rules of engagement and to set your own. Your instinct correctly tells you it’s both disloyal and dangerous to discuss your man’s sexual prowess with his former wife. Imagine how you’d react if he talked about your ‘performance’ with one of your ex-partners?

Best to assume a Sphinx-like air of superiority (implying complete nocturnal bliss). She’ll soon get the message. She’s made a game of attempting to establish herself as top dog. It’s your job to ensure she fails. Once you’ve triumphed, you can afford to be gracious. She isn’t being hostile so much as competitive, possessive and a bit defensive.

You say she’s ‘very friendly’ to you, so she clearly wants to stay part of the party. Cutting her out of your partner’s life would demonstrate a lack of confidence and an unseemly desire to control his social circle. Remember: strong women hold their friends close and their frenemies closer.