I resent caring for my husband’s frail mum

Both letters today involve the difficulty of caring for those who need us, and this feels appropriate before Christmas, when many people feel the strain of the season of goodwill. how hard it is to be good!

Yet there is something magnificent about the effort to overcome our own needs and weaknesses. It represents what’s best about the human spirit. Notice that I use the word ‘ effort’ ( and see today’s And Finally), placing the emphasis on the trying rather than the succeeding.

Because trying to be better than we are, taking on tasks when we don’t want to,

biting back angry words, visiting somebody we find irritating, giving when we would rather be selfish, forgiving inspite of ourselves . . . all i s par t of continuous growth, even when we fall short, as we will.

I believe that when you cook a meal for your elderly mother-inlaw and witness her enjoyment you are, in fact, undoing some of the harm that was done to you as a child and young woman.

Please realise that it’s something to be proud of. I hope your husband shares some of the t asks, and t hat y our adult children pay attention to their grandmother. You were sorely disappointed by her lack of overt affection, but as she cared for the children, surely that was an equally valid way of showing ‘love and support’?

ManY people are really hopeless at dealing with bereavement, and it’s also true that others find it hard to hug and show physical affection. Your mother-in-law was no more capable of changing her nature than was your poor mother. These things were as they were. I’m afraid there is no choice but to accept that.

acceptance of what cannot be changed is also a part of reaching our potential as human beings.

You are able to see the reasons for your ongoing grief for your mother quite clearly.

The memory of her ill - treatment of you, the shock of her sudden death, the knowledge that therefore nothing could be redeemed, the emotional scarring caused by permanent hatred of your father . . . all this i s the burden you carry each time you carry a cup of tea to your mother-in-law, but it is no more her fault than it is yours.

Is there any way you could seek s ome e motional s upport — perhaps talking to a counsellor — through your work?

Your mother- i n- l aw may not have many years of life left. I have no doubt you will be ready to support your husband when the time comes, as you wished (and still wish) to be supported in your own grief.

You said that he ‘ did his best’ and really that is all we can do, isn’t it?

You are a good woman, but don’t expect to be a saint.