How can a man walk out on his wife and sick son?

SomeTImes I can’t help the gap between a letter arriving, being processed, read, then found a space for publication; therefore I’m hoping that by now your husband is home. on the little we have here, what I interpret as a man walking out because he suddenly snaps and feels he can’t take any more, you regard as a more or less permanent abandonment. You use the phrase ‘once again’ yet give no explanation.

somewhere between the two views of his behaviour we have to start (as you say) trying to make sense of an extremely upsetting case.

It can seem a cliche to write ‘I sympathise with your situation’, but here I really do understand, as I raised a daughter whose life was dogged by chronic ill-health and whose operations and other medical procedures we literally lost count of. at times it was very, very hard.

You don’t say how old your son is, but I know that one of the most agonising things is trying to explain to a child (yes, and to a teenager) why they are ‘different’ and why unpleasant, even horrible things have to happen to them.

The strain on parents is enormous, and at times one or other of you thinks or says: ‘I can’t take this any more.’ There will, of course, be others reading this who have the daily care of severely disabled children to deal with, and might think ill-health not much to worry about. all pain is relative, isn’t it?

First, since you feel ‘extremely depressed’, I’d like you to talk to your doctor. Your son needs you and your husband to be able to cope, so you need to seek help if you feel you cannot. Counselling may help you understand your ongoing sorrow at the way you were treated as a child.

With those needs, and being as worried as you are, you need your husband’s help, yet he is mired in his own anxiety and lets you down.

It must have been very distressing for your son to witness the spat that resulted in your husband storming out, so I beg you both to sit down and talk through how you can give each other support.

When you have a sick child there is a level of guilt which is hard to explain. often parents think the situation is somehow their fault, and from that primitive feeling it’s a short step to blaming each other, almost asking whose genes were ‘at fault’.

You need to understand these things in order to make sense of the extreme stress you both feel. an excellent website will help, too. Visit kidshealth.org and click the ‘ Parents’ box, then put ‘seriously ill child’ in the search. There’s good advice there, and I am sure you will also be interested in The sick Children’s Trust ( sickchildrenstrust.org).

You see, I think that reading about other families’ problems and gleaning tips will help you to stop panicking and feeling so confused and alone as you cope with your son’s illness. But please don’t talk about divorce.

of course, I have no way of knowing if there is a subtext to this letter. But even if you feel really disappointed by your husband’s failure to support you and failure to be strong for your son, your child’s needs are at the centre of the story and you both must face that together.

I know it’s hard but there it is. and I speak as one who once walked along Great ormond street repeatedly telling myself, ‘You bloody will be strong!’ — aloud, like a mad woman.

I urge you not to ‘talk’ to your husband by text, but let him know how much you and your son love him and need him. It’s the only way forward.