I think my cold husband is autistic
DEAR BEL, I BELIEVE that my husband may be autistic. As we both get older, I am finding his indifference more difficult. We are in our 70s — married for 50 years, with two daughters.
He’s cold, rude and unkind and has no concept of others’ feelings at all. He’s clever and intelligent and had a good j ob, but is totally uncaring.
Our daughters never had a ‘ Well done’ or hugs when young, nor did I. But he was ver y quick to correct us.
For many years I thought he might have a problem but couldn’t put my finger on it, until I read an article on autism in your paper. Our doctor agrees he may have the condition but no one will do anything about it. The GP suggested I t alk to someone at Relate, but we don’t have one near.
Most of the time my husband and I are irritable with each other and he can be so exasperating that I feel totally drained.
I’m wondering if you can recommend a book where I can read about autism in adults. This isn’t my real name as my husband reads your column and is unaware he may have a problem.
KATHLEEN
AlTHougH understanding why you want to find out more about autism, I f eel I should warn you against attaching ‘labels’. The internet makes it easy to ‘research’ conditions, but this can do more harm than good. Inaccurate information can breed fear. But I can willingly advise anyone in your situation to study the excellent website of the National Autistic Society ( autism.org.uk), to find out more about that is known as the ‘spectrum’.
Because you sent me a hand-written letter, I suspect you lack computer skills and perhaps cannot view the charity’s site. (By the way, I’ve made that point in the past, and incurred readers’ irritation — asking how I know. But today emails are far more common, so if someone pens a letter I draw a reasonable conclusion they don’t have access to a computer.) There is no address on your letter, so I can’t research local help for you either.
Newspaper articles can only go so far. Try reading Simon Baron-Cohen’s authoritative book, Autism And Asperger Syndrome ( The Facts). You did the right thing in expressing your feelings to your gP, but unless your husband were to seek help himself, no doctor can give you advice. And you say he has no clue that his behaviour to his family over many years has been a cause of stress and misery.
It’s always tragic to read of on- going unhappiness in a long marriage, but very hard for an outsider to see what can be done.
Even if you become convinced your husband has Asperger’s syndrome (a form of autism — and perhaps more likely) it’s hard to know what you could ‘do’ with that information.
Since the unsatisfactory marriage is at the heart of this issue, your gP was right to mention Relate, but you seem not to realise that you can speak to a Relate counsellor on the telephone. To find out more about this service, call the general number: 0300 100 1234.
I’m sure it would help you to talk things through with an experienced person — who might suggest that feeling cowed by your husband is not going to make things better.
Can your daughters help to explain to him that there might be something wrong — and, if there isn’t, that it’s never too late for any of us to change our ways?