The children know I am not going to be around for ever, but we live for the here and now
forward.’ One agency she knows approved for adoption a 78-year-old with a younger partner. Most agencies would consider an age gap of up to 45 years between the child and the adoptive parent, so a woman in her mid40s could still adopt a baby or toddler.
It’s timely that the floodgates are opening now. Each year more than 6,000 children across the UK need adoption, and most do far better with loving families than in the care system.
Former Children’s Minister and Conservative MP Tim Loughton says older people should not see adopting a child as a solution to a slowing career or empty nest syndrome.
‘Adoption isn’t about satisfying parents who don’t have children of their own or whose children have grown up, it’s about getting the best possible home for a child who isn’t able to live with their birth parents.
‘They aren’t an accessory for a parent who would suddenly like a child.’
But he is keen to see more older applicants being approved. Despite a 26 per cent increase last year in the number of adoptions taking place, he believes there’s room to go further.
‘There are a number of groups, including old people, who are deemed to be inappropriate and not prioritised,’ he says. ‘It’s always been the case that approval varies from place to place and is often down to the mindset of those running the agency. It’s a situation that is changing, but slowly.’
FOr Marilyn, the realisation she wanted children came biologically too late so she and rochdi made inquiries to local adoption authorities in 2012. After two years of stonewalling and subtle discouragement from some social workers, the couple spoke to Barnardo’s, a children’s charity that supports older parent adoption.
Nine months after signing up they had been approved, and not long after that Camilla and Sam spent their first night in their new home.
‘The approval process felt intrusive,’ recalls Marilyn. ‘We had to lay ourselves bare, discuss finances, what we could offer a child, what our childhood was like and previous relationships.’
It helped that rochdi was 23 years younger than Marilyn. Had they both been 61 at the time of adoption, it’s questionable whether the process would have gone quite so smoothly.
They first spotted Camilla and Sam in a magazine, featuring children up for adoption, while on a training day. The realisation was instant. ‘We knew they would be our children,’ says Marilyn.
Once the all-clear was given, Marilyn painted Camilla’s room pink and Sam’s blue in preparation. Board games, football stickers and hair slides were bought and new clothing laid out.
‘I woke up that first morning and felt complete shock. They were running amok. Camilla jumped on furniture and nearly made my husband’s hair drop out in fright. We had to teach them what they could and couldn’t do.’
As the ironing piled up and washing wasn’t done, Marilyn phoned her social worker to say she wasn’t coping. But once the children went to school and her husband returned to work, she established a manageable routine.
‘From day two they called us Mum and Dad, which made up for the tough transitional period,’ she says. ‘They had come from a tricky background but gradually they relaxed, and Sam, who was very shy, grew more confident.
‘Now both are thriving at school and we spend every penny on them. They come first. My life is unrecognisable from how it used to be, but I couldn’t be happier.’
‘Once, we were walking near home and a small boy sniggered: “Is that your grandmother?”
‘Quick as a flash, Camilla fired back: “No, she’s our Mum. Don’t be so rude and don’t ever say that again.”
‘They cocoon me. It’s simple — to them, I am their mother.’
But not everyone approves. Some argue late-life adoption prevents a child being placed with a younger family who might be better at dealing with the rigours of them. Or that nature has a reason for stopping women having children naturally past a certain point.
‘Those views made me more determined to adopt,’ says Marilyn. ‘I’m not in a wooden box or a wheelchair. I keep up with the children and can do everything a younger mother can. They know I’m not going to be around for ever but we live for the here and now.’ Elizabeth Mulrey, 59, a radiographer, lives in the Midlands and adopted Isabella, 12, four years ago. El iz a beth a l ways wanted children but never met the right man for marriage and had a miscarriage in her late 30s.
‘I considered adoption in my early 40s, but got cold feet after a social worker suggested that, because I was single, it was likely I’d be matched with a child with more needs. ‘In those days, couples were seen as ideal adopters, so they had first choice. Children with special needs or with behavioural problems were often not picked. For a single mother, who was struggling for approval, that would be all that was available.
‘Now, people have realised that children placed with single adopters can fare very well, so it’s no longer the case.’
It wasn’t until Elizabeth read about a woman successfully adopting a healthy, happy child in her 50s that she realised she had a second shot. ‘I was worried I wouldn’t get approved and of coping as a single mother, but it was that risk-averse attitude that had kept me childless. So I took the leap.’
Two years later Elizabeth, then aged 55, was approved after an arduous process of interviews, training, home study and background checks.
‘The first time I saw Isabella was in a photo sent to me by my social worker. She was beautiful, aged eight, with a quiet smile. I was drawn to her.’
The early days were tough. Isabella had been in foster care with her brother, so it was a dramatic upheaval.
‘The past four years have been a roller- coaster,’ says Elizabeth. ‘I’ve experienced every emotion: joy, worry, despair, upset, satisfaction and love.’
It took sessions with social workers to help them bond and a lot of work before things evened out.
‘Speaking to parents at the school gates was a help,’ she adds. ‘Hearing their children wouldn’t go to bed and had screaming rows made me realise that what I assumed was adoptedparent problems were probably just growing pains. Now we get on so well, share the same sense of humour and she can make me cry with laughter.’
Elizabeth says her two brothers, aged 57 and 60, who see Isabella often, help fill the gap of a male role model.
Adopting at a later age has its benefits, she believes: ‘I had stability at home, I’d got the hormonal nightmare of menopause out of the way and adopting an older child is better in some respects, too, as they are already at school, so you know what you are getting.
‘I do worry about the day that I won’t be around any longer and so does she. We’ve spoken about it. But I can still give her a stable home and childhood to carry her into the future, and my family and friends will be around to support her if anything should happen.’
Parenting expert and child psychologist Claire Hasley says older adopters may be more relaxed parents.
‘Life experience counts for a lot, and can make it easier to step away and take a wide view. Older people generally have more settled lifestyles and are financially more secure.
‘The downside to having an older parent is it can attract negative attention and comments for the child. Likewise, old parents may feel isolated from other parents. But bringing up a child is challenging whatever your age.’
JACKIE rEEvES, 61, from Buckinghamshire adopted Klaus, 16 — who has mixed European and Asi a n ethnicity — when he was six and has raised him on her own for the
past ten years. She runs her own consultancy business and used to travel all over the world.
‘It wasn’t until I was nearly 50 that I started questioning what life was really about,’ she says. ‘I also wanted to remove a child from the care system and give them a loving, stable home.’
Jackie applied through Parent’s And Children Together and was matched with Klaus within ten months.
There were teething problems. Jackie bought cookery sets, thinking they’d spend time in the kitchen together, but Klaus just wanted to play football.
‘Conversation was a problem, too, initially. We had no history. He’d talk about people and places, but I wouldn’t know what he was on about. It took months for familiarity to grow between us.’
Being her own boss means Jackie can timetable meetings while he is at school and do reports after he’s in bed.
‘Before, work came first; now he does,’ she says. ‘The good thing is that I don’t yearn to bundle him off to university as younger parents often do. I’m not fretting about missing out. I’ve done it all.’
She realises that ‘certain conversations about life are better coming from a man. But he has male friends, teachers and family members who provide that,’ she says. ‘Klaus is especially close to my 32year-old nephew and was his best man.
‘Being able to give Klaus a stable home and watching him grow up has given me purpose. I fell in love with him the moment I met him.’