I’ve heard of sleeping policemen, but this is ridiculous

We’Re ONlY halfway through January and already entries for this year’s prestigious Mind how You Go Awards are flooding in. A number of police forces, including Sussex, Thames Valley and South Yorkshire, have been taking part in a study looking at ways of improving ‘officer well-being’.

The survey, commissioned by the Police Federation, i s being run by Marcus de Guingand, who heads an outfit called Third Pillar of health, which is described as a ‘leader in fatigue management solutions’.

Among the recommendations being put forward is the installation of ‘sleep pods’ in police stations to allow cops to take a ‘power nap’ while on duty. Mr Ging Gang Goolie is concerned that there is a ‘ caffeine culture’ among police officers, who drink too much coffee to keep themselves alert.

Far better to let them have a kip, which would also make them less likely to reach for ‘high-sugar, high-carb foods’ in the canteen.

Senior officers, however, think the idea is unworkable. One said: ‘ If someone is murdered and it comes out that half the response officers on duty at the time were asleep, it would obviously not look good for us.’

Precisely. I’ve heard of sleeping policemen but this is ridiculous.

Meanwhile, all those ‘high-sugar, high-carb’ snacks are taking their toll. It has been revealed that hundreds of Metropolitan Police officers have failed fitness tests.

They all have to sprint short distances against the clock to prove their ability to chase criminals. But since last April, more than 350 have fallen short of the required standard. To encourage them to slim down, the force has issued canteens with cookbooks containing healthy recipes.

Out g oes double s a usage, egg, chips and beans. In come vegetarian wraps and salads. I can’t see that going down too well, can you? The average policeman’s tastes haven’t moved on much since the Seventies.

There’s a wonderful episode of The Sweeney in which Jack Regan tells his driver: ‘I want the glove compartment filled with Mars Bars, Wine Gums and Jelly Babies. And ham sandwiches — the sort that come in cellophane packets. And sausage rolls. But no potato crisps. They interfere with transmission.’

At least the Met still has some coppers on the beat, even if hundreds of them fall down in the fitness stakes.

In other parts of the country, chief constables are warning that the ‘savage cuts’ will have a severe impact on ‘services’.

The head of Merseyside Police said the bobby on the beat will all but disappear because of budget reductions. Most police chiefs no longer see patrolling the streets as a ‘priority’. The Chief Constable of Surrey said the police shouldn’t have to deal with shoplifters, drunks and missing persons, since they are all a drag on resources.

This in a county where around 450 police officers up to the rank of inspector are known to have second jobs, including waitresses, lorry drivers, a part-time stamp dealer and one who works as a male model.

The uniform must come in handy if any of them fancy doubling up as a stripagram. Still, at least that’s legal and above board. A West Midlands policeman has just been jailed for seven years for secretly running brothels and selling drugs. PC Osman Iqbal made more t han £ 1 milli on pimping out £300-an-hour call girls.

Suspicions were raised among his colleagues after Iqbal turned up for work driving a £178,000 Ferrari 458 sports car.

Meanwhile, Police Scotland is already putting in a sterling performance to capture the coveted Mind how You Go trophy.

Unfortunately, the ten officers who pulled over and breathalysed every driver dropping off or picking up at Glasgow Airport at Christmas peaked too early and won’t make the cut.

But there are other impressive efforts. A friend of mine who lives in a village to the west of Glasgow recently had his garage burgled and his son’s ski equipment stolen.

It was a huge, heavy bag, needing two men to carry it. When the police arrived, he learned the same team had almost certainly stolen three bikes from a shed elsewhere in the village. My friend suggested that the officers might like to study the CCTV cameras on the main road.

Too many cars, they said. Not after 1am, he replied. And since the thieves had taken a ski bag and three bikes it was a fair bet they were looking for at least two blokes in a van. There can’t have been many of them around in the area at that time of the morning.

But the cops insisted looking at the CCTV was a waste of time.

A couple of days later, he received a call on his mobile from Police Scotland. had they recovered his stolen property?

er, no. They were ringing to offer him victim support counselling.

elsewhere, in Alloa, police scrambled the riot squad to deal with a complaint about a noisy television. Officers arrived in ten vehicles, blocked off roads and, when the occupants of the flat refused to let them in, they embarked on an eight-and-a-halfhour siege of the property.

Alloa, Alloa, Alloa. What’s going on here then?

There’s still 11 months before j udging and the star- spangled ceremony, but the bookies have already installed Police Scotland as the odds-on favourite.

Mind how you go.