My family is perfect, but I’ve fallen for a new man

DEAR BEL FROM the outside I look like the lady with everything. And I suppose I am, really. I have a wonderful husband of nearly 15 years, whom I love deeply and share an amazing life with. I met my husband when I was 16 and was married at 23.

We have three wonderful children, a beautiful house in a fabulous part of the country . . . from the outside everything is perfect. However, all is not as it seems.

Five years ago my husband encouraged me to start sleeping with other men. He said it would ‘spice’ things up. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. I was hurt that he could so blithely share me with others — but also curious.

I met a man at one of my husband’s parties a few weeks later. He was perfect — good l ooking, single and unlikely to fall for me as he’d just left a messy marriage and was known to be a ‘player’. I should have walked away.

At first this affair did spice things up. Everything was wonderful. I felt alive and attractive. Stupid in retrospect. The ‘Player’ and I have developed t he deepest of friendships. Over the years we’ve grown to love each other deeply and intensely. My husband still encourages us to see one another, but has no idea of our depth of feeling towards one another.

Recently my ‘Player’ has been begging me to start a new life with him. I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I have my family and my life — which I treasure beyond compare.

On the other, I have this man who understands me completely, has never j udged me or my life choices, and with whom I share a connection I thought existed only in novels and films.

I think of him every second. I know he could never offer me the lifestyle to which I am accustomed — but does that matter? I’m not so sure.

I can’t bear the thought of hurting either of them. I love them both but this situation can’t continue. I know that. I don’t know what to do. I’m on the verge of walking away from everything or ending it all. None of my friends know of my situation, so I can’t talk to anyone about it. I’m lonely and clueless.

JOANNA

Last week I published a letter from a young woman I called samantha, who had two lovers, neither of whom knew of the other’s existence.

Your situation is so very different, and my advice to samantha to ditch both guys rather than continue being a ‘ cheating bitch’ ( her phrase), will not do for you. You are married, although your husband turned that marriage into something quite odd.

a cynic might read your letter and discount the love you express for your husband and your ‘amazing’ li f e together and call you j ust another spoilt lady on the cusp of 40, bored with a long marriage and enjoying a sexy affair.

the only difference is the fact that your husband actively encouraged you to be unfaithful.

Most people reading this will find that bizarre, but we know there is a whole world of swingers and ‘doggers’ and wife- swappers out there, and that behind the facade of affluent houses sleaze can lurk, like balls of sticky dust and dead flies under the furniture.

Each to their own . . . and I know that consenting adults can hurt each other as well as coming to some strange accommodations.

But the trouble is, you have three children. You and your husband chose to bring them into this world and are responsible for them, so my question is: isn’t your duty to those children compromised by his tawdry tastes and by your affair?

You say you ‘love’ both men, but it sounds as if you prefer your lover — who doesn’t ‘judge’ you or your

lifestyle. Well, I have to be frank and suggest that perhaps its time for you to make a judgment on y ourself. Not f or t he s e xual shenanigans or for the fact that you fell in love with a lover (it’s been known before), but for the fact that not once in your letter have you shown any deep concern for your children and the effect all this may be having on them.

When you speak of ‘ending it all’ I sincerely hope you are talking about the men and not suicide — and if you are in deeper despair, please get help from the Samaritans at samaritans. org or by calling 08457 909090.

I sense that’s not the case, and so I ask you to (yes) pull yourself together and grow up. For to throw away that phrase so carelessly when you have three children is unforgivable.

‘Walk away’ by all means, but from whom? You can’t walk away from those children and in years to come you will bitterly regret hurting or losing them.

Forget the novels and films and focus on reality. Never mind your precious standard of living, if you run off with your lover you will break your children’s hearts. How’s that for a start?

Please believe me, I ’ m not unsympathetic to your confused and desperate state. People get themselves into messes and can be excused for that.

But for the sake of your family you to have to face up to some truths. You need to tell your husband the precise nature of your feelings for t he ‘ Player’ — and t ake t he conversation from there.

At all times the welfare of those three children has to be at the fore-front of your minds. Because — play or not — this is not a game.