JONATHAN CAINER

Dear Jonathan, I am doing my second exam with the British Faculty Of Astrological Studies. What do you think about the Southern Hemisphere question? Is astrology wrong because the ancient works of Claudius Ptolemy mention only the Northern Hemisphere? Do Australians need the signs reversed? My faith in this subject is waning. Carlton

Dear Carlton, I’m sure the Federation Of Australian Astrologers and other august antipodean bodies could soon set your mind at rest. Ptolemy’s Tetrabiblos, written around 150AD, may be the oldest surviving text, but age doesn’t confer indisputable authority. More tomorrow.

ARIES

Mar 21 — Apr 20

IT ISN’T always easy to know what’s really going on. People, even when they have an understanding, are not always willing to share it. They like to hold back information. It makes them feel powerful. They also like to assume they know what’s going on, even when they don’t. Consequently, we can never tell whether we are being deliberately deceived or are talking to someone who has been deceived by someone else. Soon, you find out the real story at last. And, to your surprise, you will like it. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS

Apr 21 — May 21

FARMERS and sales professionals both understand that life is a numbers game. To sow one seed successfully, you must scatter many in the ground. Most will not take root. Even among those that do start to sprout, there will be casualties. This doesn’t matter as long as you get enough healthy results in the end. Some while ago, you planted a seed. You put great energy into what you hoped was a big opportunity. Nothing much came of it. But hope is not dead; it is just dormant. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI

May 22 — June 22

GROUCHO MARX once said: ‘I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member.’ Often cited as a witticism, this line came about because Marx had good reason to believe the club in question would not have wanted him for a member. When people who have not been particularly pleasant to us suddenly start treating us with deference, we have to wonder why. But don’t be too suspicious, today, of someone’s change of attitude. You are, rather wonderful, are you not? Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER

June 23 — July 23

IS TODAY going to be a day of deja-vu? Will you go through what you have gone through before and wind up in situations that seem uncannily similar to past experiences? Will you relive old dramas and revisit familiar scenarios? Yes. But there still can be substantial change, either from some dramatic, unexpected development or through some determined decision on your part to start living life differently from now on. In that, your greatest source of power lies. Forget what’s the same, look at what’s different. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO

July 24 — Aug 23

THE ROAD to heaven is paved with bad intentions. It must be or the road to hell would not be paved with good ones. Unless, of course, heaven and hell were in exactly the same place? Then that road would indeed lead to both destinations. And how would you know which of the two you had arrived at? Perhaps you wouldn’t. Perhaps, like all extreme opposites, these two places have more in common than we think. Perhaps all you really need to do today is cut right through ambiguity and take a decisive stand. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO

Aug 24 — Sep 23

BY THE skin of your teeth. With seconds to spare. In the nick of time. By a hair’s breadth. A whisper. A nose. At the last possible moment. In the best possible way. Thanks far more to luck than to strategy. Etc. You get the flavour of this forecast. It’s not the first time in your life that you have encountered such a concept. It won’t be the last either. But here you are, getting away with it once more. You have so far seen no sign of such success? Keep watching. You will see it soon. Things are changing for the better. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA

Sep 24 — Oct 23

WHAT if there is a situation you cannot control? Does that mean it has control over you? What if, in your life, there is an arrangement, an institution, an organisation or an authority of some kind? What if you want it to change its mind about something? What if you don’t quite know what to say or do? What if it, too, is looking at you and feeling similarly baffled? What if it is not an ‘it’, but a person who somehow embodies that much importance? Something may seem beyond control but it is not beyond hope. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 — Nov 22

IF THERE is something you don’t want anyone, ever, to know, don’t tell anyone, ever. Don’t tell one person, then ask them not to tell anyone else. That’s most unfair pressure. What if they are worried on your behalf? What if they feel you need help and the only way you will get it is if they betray the confidence? I am writing this as if I were giving you advice, but I’m not necessarily aiming at you directly. Someone, somewhere in the world is now ‘mismanaging’ information. The right thing to do may be a difficult thing. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov 23 — Dec 21

DON’T shout; whisper. Don’t stamp; stroke. You may feel tempted to express anger or disapproval. This may be fully justified, but you need to defuse the tension in a stressful situation, not add to it. Thus, you need to be sweet, kind and caring or, at least, give a fair impression of being blessed with such admirable attributes. Try to win the trust of the person you feel least inclined to believe! You will make far more progress through gaining their confidence than destroying it. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 — Jan 20

IT TAKES a lot to surprise you. You have a broad mind and a vivid imagination. Despite this, you are not sure quite what to make of a situation. It is bewildering. Yet the harder you try to make sense of it, the more confused you become. Something doesn’t add up. Stop worrying about that. Stop worrying about anything and anyone. The real surprise, today, will be the way in which things work out so well, even if you can’t yet see how it could happen. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 — Feb 19

THE crystal ball is cloudy. The Tarot cards are torn. The tea leaves are obscured by too much milk and sugar. The horoscope has become inverted in the telescope. You cannot see the future, no matter how you try. There is something about it that you do not know — for a good reason. You do not need to know it. It is better you do not know it. Work with what you know, not with what you imagine, and not what you fear. You’re heading for something far better than you dare allow yourself to expect. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES

Feb 20 — Mar 20

IRRESISTIBLE force. Immovable object. What happens when they meet? A lot of energy gets released. Possibly too, some damage gets done. Today’s explosion, though, may not be as intense as it seems. And it may also be exactly what you need to break up an uncomfortably stale situation. Just try not to attach yourself too closely to an immutable point of view ... or to a furiously committed campaign. Be adaptable. Have faith. Let whatever ‘has to happen’ happen. When the dust settles, you’ll yet find you are winning. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.