Street-Porter
HARDLY a day passes without a spurious new survey which lists our supposedly favourite things. An example of this banality last week was one about what makes us most happy.
Among the feel-good experiences were said to be fresh sheets and popping bubble wrap. reading this idiotic list made me extremely depressed. You cannot reduce l i fe to a catchphrase or a ranking like a best-buy at morrison’s.
experiences which bring us true pleasure are being with loved ones, enjoying warm weather, eating wonderful home-cooked food and just laughing uncontrollably. it’s not rocket science. Surely a far more useful exercise is to list every aspect of modern life that makes us unhappy. here’s my list of pet hates — which gets longer by the day:
TRENDY MEN WITH BUSHY BEARDS
IS There anything less attractive than a man’s chin covered by a thick mat of hair? God forbid you get close enough to snog anyone sprouting a beard that makes them look like a Sixties folk singer or an extra from a remake of moses.
SECRET FACE-LIFTS
Every September, i encounter women whose faces look suspiciously taut, whose saggy chins have vanished and who have managed to eradicate the bags under their eyes. Although they put this good health down to a ‘wonderfully restful holiday’, the truth is they’ve had a face-lift.
NASTY LITTLE SACHETS
The bane of B&Bs, cafes and hotels. What’s wrong with a pot of jam on the table?
WEATHER DOLLIES
Every night these simpering females appear on local TV news bulletins, posing pertly in front of a map of Britain in very high heels, and totally inappropriate cocktail frocks, waving perfectly manicured hands around.
VOUCHERS PAST USE-BY DATES
AS A dedicated bargain-hunter, it causes deep pain to discover at the till that my carefully-collected discount vouchers have expired.
ANYTHING CALLED ‘AN EXPERIENCE’
Shopping has become a pastime, like making raffia mats or embroidery, and addicts dignify this mindless activity by talking about the ‘experience’. everything is an ‘experience’ these days, from a car wash to munching on a burger.
SLUGS, SNAILS, MICE
Is There anything more soul-destroying than lovingly nurturing broad beans, peas and lettuces from seed, only to go away for the weekend and return to find they have been destroyed by these vile creatures.
DIETING CELEBRITIES
Nothing makes me crosser than celebrities’ claims that any weight-loss is due to ‘eating healthily’. nine times out of ten, they’ve been paid a huge sum of money to plug a diet plan or a food supplement.
CHEFS WHO THINK THEY’RE PICASSO
TOO many chefs fiddle with a decent meal and turn it into something that artist Tracey emin would be proud of. For example, with chive and parmesan crisps carefully balanced like a propeller surrounded by drips of gravy. Yuk.
PAY-BY-PHONE CAR PARKING
What’S wrong with cash? This drives people crazy — especially older people who find it a big hassle to try to use a phone to pay for 20 minutes in a car park so you can get your shopping in Boots.
QUEUE-JUMPERS AT AIRPORTS
After patiently waiting my turn, i could murder anyone who suddenly appears out of the blue and joins a ‘friend’ in the queue in front on me.
SUPERFOODS
Sold at a premium price because we are so desperate to extend our lives by a month, that we want to stuff ourselves with goji berries, quinoa, purple sprouting broccoli, pink tomatoes and hideous kale. Funny how mum and dad were so thin and fit, without a single goji berry.
FAKE WORDS
For example, air stewards talk of ‘de-planing’ (don’t they mean ‘disembarking’ or ‘getting off’)? railway stations are described as ‘calling points’. i heard a radio reporter speak about nigerians ‘jubilating’ after the country’s recent election. Phoney