JONATHAN CAINER

Dear Jonathan, On the subject of whether anyone can predict the outcome of the General Election, may I remind you of an old saying: ‘No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in.’ Lorena Dear Lorena, I’ve actually used that very phrase in som

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 WHY can’t politicians all just agree? We may as well ask: ‘Why do any human beings ever have to argue about anything?’ Surely, the world would be a happier place if only everyone argued less and compromised more? Or would it? Valuable discoveries are often made only through impassioned debate. Often, the only way to explore an idea is for one person to take a viewpoint firmly while the other plays devil’s advocate. This week, conflict is the quickest route to peace. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 THERE are seven billion people on the Earth. So, are there seven billion ways of looking at life? There may be many more than that! Don’t all of us tend to be in at least two minds about some matters? You are intelligent, sensitive, aware. How, then, can you avoid your natural ability to recognise that every story has more than one side? The key question this week, while Mercury and Mars pass through your sign, is not so much ‘what’s ultimately right?’ as ‘what’s most expedient?’. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22 NONE of us lose weight overnight. Or rather, all of us do — but not by much! Weight is shed slowly, even when diets are draconian and regimes robust. Tense situations tend to diffuse just as gradually. Even if we wake up one morning and think ‘I used to have a problem, but it has gone now,’ it is almost certainly going to be the result of some slow process that has been happening behind the scenes. Events this week may suggest a sudden breakthrough, but it has been building up for some time. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER June 23 — July 23 PSYCHOLOGISTS have all the fun. They need never take so much as a word that anyone says at face value. They just have to think about some nuance and then apply one of the principles they learned at psychology school. Now, suddenly, everything is loaded. There are more layers of implication and potential revelation than you’d find in an onion. And possibly, too, the cause of as many tears. Don’t tie yourself up this week in a hunt for hidden issues. Stick with what’s obvious. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO Aug 24 — Sep 23 ‘DIAMONDS,’ they say, ‘are forever.’ There is artistic licence in that phrase. They last a long time. But out of respect for the real meaning of the notion of eternity, we should reflect before cheapening that word by connecting it with something as transient as a piece of crystallised carbon. We should be similarly cautious about describing a process you have long been waiting for as ‘taking forever’. It has gone on a long time. It won’t last for ever. You will see proof of that this week. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 WE ALL want to co-operate. Is it not always a pleasure to share a process of creativity with our fellow humans? It is, as long as they aren’t annoying, impeding, blaming or criticising us for something or showing us a lack of respect. Then how can we constructively coexist with such unsatisfactory colleagues and companions? Either they are going to have to change or . . . Well, if we keep finding fault in those around us, that raises a question. It is one that must be asked and answered this week. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 WHEN someone doesn’t emphatically disagree with a statement, does that mean they are in full agreement with it? There may be many reasons why we might suppress our urge to argue. We might, for example, be in a hurry. Or be with someone we don’t want to involve in a dispute. Or we may just be so tired of some old assertion we know to be untrue that when we hear it we inwardly wince. This week, you find discord where you expected concord. But that’s constructive. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 ‘LIFE is what happens when we are making other plans,’ so goes the old Sufi saying. There is only one way to get round this — and that’s to ensure all our plans revolve around learning to make the most of life! How can we hope to measure success according to some tick box system of achievements reached and expectations met? Is the person who does all they say they are going to do any happier than the one who has just allowed life to surprise them? This week, you can resolve such a conflict. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 ‘WINTER, spring, summer or fall, all you got to do is call . . .’ So goes the old Carole King song made famous by James Taylor. Now, as readers will know, I don’t quote these old melodies without a reason. So, have you got a friend this week? Is someone looking out for you, offering to go the extra mile on your behalf? Do they mean well, yet have the wrong idea about what’s needed? If this is a true friend, you can trust them. And a true friend is due to reach out to you soon. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 CRAFTSMANSHIP is learned slowly. Skill is acquired through practice. We make a great mistake to imagine we can become experts by flicking through a book or spending a weekend at a seminar. It is also true that we can overestimate the amount of experience a task may take. But you are at no risk of making such a false projection. There isn’t anyone else to whom you can pass on a responsibility this week. You’ve got to draw on your knowledge. Happily, that’s all you need. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 PLAN A? Make something happen. Plan B? Make something else happen. Plan C? Convince yourself that nothing needs to happen and that, even if it does, it will happen naturally. Now, obviously, we aren’t looking too closely at the details. But you have to concede that Plan C sounds as if it has got the most going for it — and it looks likely to require the least expenditure of effort, too. Why not give it a try this week? At least it won’t steer you too far in the wrong direction. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 REMEMBER that old children’s story about the sticks that got put into a bundle? On their own, they were easily broken. When packed together, they could withstand immense pressure. The parallels in this parable speak to us all. Why would we want the insecurity of isolation when we can enjoy the protection of association? Yet there is not much room to manoeuvre when we are tied up tight together like that. You may wish you had more autonomy this week. But your sense of belonging is worth a lot. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.