Vote for Dave . . . and get a free banana!

ELECTION COUNTDOWN: THE HIGHLIGHTS

130 DAYS TO GO: Unveiling a new Conservative pledge of a free monthly banana for every senior citizen, David Cameron appears in at an ol d f ol ks’ home in Warwickshire wearing a yellow onesie that unpeels from the top.

An hour later, a Labour Party spokesman points out that there is no provision for those pensioners who are allergic to bananas, saying: ‘This is sadly typical of the one-size-fits-all Tory approach to the elderly and infirm.’

129 DAYS TO GO: Gulled by the 1 per cent swing towards the Tories f ollowing yesterday’s banana pledge, Labour leader Ed Miliband promises to provide a choice of apple, orange or banana for every senior citizen, plus a choice of biscuits. Later, a Tory spokesman claims that to fund this new initiative Labour plans to tow away and crush all second homes.

128 DAYS TO GO: At a Ukip press conference in the party headquarters at The Dog & Duck, leader Nigel Farage trips over, falls flat on his face, and spills a pint of bitter all over t he ni c e new wallpaper. Questioned about the incident, he retorts: ‘ I blame the European Union.’

127 DAYS TO GO: Party leaders unveil the slogans on the sides of their election buses. By chance, The Conservatives’ slogan is ‘A Better Britain’, Labour’s is ‘ A Better Britain’, The Lib Dems’ is ‘ A Better Britain’, and Ukip’s is ‘A Better Britain’.

Each of t he party l eaders denies his slogan is exactly the same as the rest. ‘It’s all about emphasis,’ says Ed Miliband, whilst David Cameron i nsists: ‘It’s ALL about EMPHASIS.’

126 DAYS TO GO: Condemning Ed Miliband for making ‘promises he cannot hope to deliver’, Prime Minister David Cameron sets out his new ten-point plan to bring lifelong happiness to every man, woman and child.

125 DAYS TO GO: In a shock announcement, Labour leader Ed Miliband claims that ‘the Conservatives have a secret plan to turn all our NHS hospitals into hedge-fund call-centres staffed by workers on zero-hours contracts’.

Meanwhile, Conservative spindoctors, stung by reports that their leader’s campaign lacks passion, arrange for the delivery of a tea chest. David Cameron seizes the opportunity, opening it up and offering his supporters a choice of lapsang Souchong or camomile.

124 DAYS TO GO: Ukip leader Nigel Farage walks into a lamp-post. ‘No doubt about it — this is the EU at its worst,’ he explains.

In a major i nterview, David Cameron denies being irritable. When Andrew Marr suggests he might be, he replies: ‘How dare you!’

123 DAYS TO GO: Asked for her name by an interviewer on BBC Manchester, Green Party leader Natalie Bennett replies: ‘That’s a very good question, and one that we very much want to focus on.’

Pressed further, she says: ‘Basically, what we’re looking at here is my name.’ When the interviewer puts it to her that she is unable to remember her own name, she develops a severe cough.

She later explains at a press conference: ‘I was absolutely certain that my first name began with an N, and I was pretty sure my last name began with a B or a D, so I did come pretty close. But I’m not making excuses. I just had a bad cold.’

122 DAYS TO GO: Interviewed live on Channel 4 News, a young man in a Birmingham shopping mall says he ‘still hasn’t decided’ who to vote for. Over on BBC Newsnight, a middle-aged woman in a park in Walthamstow reveals t hat s he is ‘still not absolutely sure’.

121 DAYS TO GO: The Liberal Democrats set out plans to extend the free school meals programme to all adults everywhere. Their new universal free meals scheme will, they say, be fully-funded by asking the super-rich to pay a little bit more for napkins.

120 DAYS TO GO: Ed Miliband tells a group of primary school children of his plans to reduce the national debt, year on year, while maintaining a firm grip on government finances ‘because it’s the righ’ thing to do’.

But he then proves unable to name all four Teletubbies, and the mood in the classroom turns sour.

119 DAYS TO GO: Experts on Newsnight suggest the only way for Scottish Conservatives to ensure the SNP defeat Labour is to vote Lib Dem, though they acknowledge that there is a significant risk that Lib Dem voters who vote SNP will prop up the Conservatives and let Labour in through the backdoor. ‘And what does all this mean for Plaid Cymru?’ asks Evan Davis.

118 DAYS TO GO: Responding to criticism that he’s overusing the phrase ‘Because it’s the right thing to do’, Ed Miliband insists he will give it a rest: ‘Because it’s the right thing to do.’

Another team of Newsnight election experts offers its advice. ‘ Tactical voting means that Conservatives should vote Labour, Labour supporters should vote SNP, SNP supporters should vote Lib Dem, and Lib Dems should vote Conservative,’ explains senior pollster Geoff Clipboard.

‘And where does this leave any future coalition between Ukip and the Greens?’ asks Evan Davis, excitedly.