Who wouldn’t look weary of such shysters?
AMID a sea of smarmers and superannuated shysters – plus still the occasional, moony-faced hereditary – s at our Queen. Black Rod had just gone striding off in the direction of the Commons, to have the door slammed in his face.
Her Majesty was on the Throne, stalwart Edinburgh at her side as he has been throughout her long reign.
What poker players these two would make. Prince Philip was motionless as a tortoise, face betraying neither gusto nor disgust. The Queen, too, sphinx-like: her only gesture was an almost girlish, inturning right ankle as the silent Lords awaited the chattering MPs who came to hear the speech written for her by ‘my Government’.
She was required yesterday to utter such overtly political phrases as ‘aspiration, long-term plan, earn or learn, powerhouse’. This linguistic politicisation of the Queen’s Speech started under the Blairites. Who can blame her for – as some photographs suggested – looking more than a little wearied by life?
Nothing stokes a sketchwriter’s scurvy iconoclasm quite like the House of Lords at State Opening. There lies the British System at its most self-polishing – hundreds of life peers, gloating greasers laying claim to traditions they scarce deserve.
Behold the failed politicians, party donors, charity- sector schmoozers and title-chasing, favour-cashing crooks. And the lawyers – ugh! Supreme Court judges swaggered in, hands in pockets.
They wore European-style gowns, Lady Hale topped by a squashed-Eccles cake judicial hat. Is this proud Albion or graduation day at Heidelberg University?
Blairite fixer Lord Levy was there; ditto tax- shy Lord Fink, and divorce lawyer Lady Shackleton, farmer of misery, her blonde barnet showing roots, her vampish make-up completing the look of poor man’s Patricia Hodge. Expenses grabber Lady Uddin was in a Muslim scarf – I don’t remember her piety so evident before. New peer Lord Kerslake – ‘Bungling Bob’ Kerslake, a dud as head of the Civil Service – was present. And was that Labour Europhile Lord Tomlinson taking a snapshot with a camera beforehand? Ye gods.
Some Lib Dem clown took a selfie. We
may have removed most of the yellow peril from the Commons but there are hordes of them in the Lords for life. Or until the Tories finally realise how they have been stiffed in the Upper House and accept the need to scrap (or elect) the place.
Prince Charles was in military finery (yet he so placid a sausage!) and stared at the ceiling when the Queen said the Chinese would soon make a state visit. TV boffin Lord Winston was noticeable for the blackness of his moustache – dipped it in Quink as a scientific experiment, perhaps.
Attention shifted to the Commons, where the Speaker gave a homily about selflessness, courtesy, civility, fairness. Objectivity! The House suppressed its desire to bawl with laughter at this dreadful Speaker demanding such virtues. We heard a proposal speech of sporty laddishness from Simon Burns (Con, Chelmsford), longstanding foe of Squeaker Bercow.
Mr Burns took digs at Bercow, who pretended to busy himself in his paperwork. Bercow ally Angela Eagle, on the Labour front bench, wore an expression of sheer vinegar.
Harriet Harman later skewered Mr Burns, saying that when they had both entered the House in the 1980s, Mr Burns had ‘looked like a young Robert Redford – he was a real head-turner. These days he is a bit more Jeremy Clarkson.’
Miss Harman told Mr Cameron to ‘beware the blond on the zip wire’, a reference to the alleged leadership yearnings of Boris Johnson (Con, Uxbridge), who has been going round the Commons playing Mr ’Umble Backbencher. Mr Cameron, returning fire, noted that Miss Harman was ‘far posher than I am’.
The Prime Minister also larded compliments over Alex Salmond (SNP, Gordon), perhaps rightly suspecting this would ignite clan rivalries. The SNP’s Westminster leader, Angus Robertson, was to give a speech strikingly sparse in humour and grace. That did not stop his newbies applauding him. They were told this was against the rules.
Oh, and a backbencher from Sheffield spoke. Nick. A Lib Dem. Apparently he was Someone Important, once.