My sister is a lonely, troubled soul
DEAR BEL I AM worried about my 24-year-old younger sister.
She still lives at home with our parents and has never had a friend or boyfriend.
A deeply troubled soul, she sometimes gets in tempers, smashes up her bedroom and screams at our parents when the moods come.
Mostly she is a pleasant, kind girl who adores her niece (my six-month-old) and two nephews (our older brother’s children).
She works part-time as a cashier in a petrol station, has always found it hard to interact with people and only goes out with me or our mother.
She was bullied for years at school — so much so that she had to leave and have private tuition.
Although not academic, she’s very talented at arts and crafts, and designs and sells clothes on the internet. She couldn’t cope with going to college (because she feared the bullying would start again) but took an Open University degree in fashion.
She wouldn’t leave home and try for a job in fashion as she fears she is not good enough, but does go on courses at night school and enjoys them.
However, she’s never made any f riends and complains that people are cliquey and she’s left on the outside. Once she snapped at our mum, and I protested that when our parents are gone she will have nobody. I felt awful later, but really it is true.
Our brother has no patience and says she is just a misfit, but my husband states that she needs counselling. What would you suggest?
ALISON
You are a caring sister to be so worried that you have written in to me. It would be easy for you to immerse yourself in your own family life and not bother about a difficult sibling, so all credit to you.
Your husband i s clearly understanding (with far more empathy than your brother) and I entirely agree with him that counselling might help your sister control her anger and find a way towards giving her more confidence and unpick her fearful memories of bullying.
Ye t your brother’s unpleasant epithet ‘misfit’ makes me reflect on how we expect people to fit i nto acceptable patterns. No surprise there — and yet shouldn’t we have room for the oddballs too?
Thinking about your sister, I ’ m wondering why t he bullying wasn’t dealt with much sooner and wishing somebody had noticed the signs of a ‘troubled soul’ when she was younger.
Yet, at the same time, I’m admiring what she is making of her life. The creative talent channelled into a small online business, the ou degree and now the discipline of evening courses, the part-time job . . . such activity speaks of an i ndividual with f ar more courage than perhaps she realises. Some people are gregarious, others are shy, and there is room in the world for both, just as there is room for the eagle and the wren.
That said, her happiness is the issue here. She probably f eels i ntensely f rustrated still to be l i ving at home (again, society’s norms can be punishing if we do not co n f o r m) and that is probably why she snaps at y o ur parents a nd loses her temper.
What do your parents think? Could she possibly be given her own kitchen (say) or any other small way of making her feel more independent? When you go out with her, could you meet one or two of your friends for coffee, so she interacts with others?
Can you involve her more with childcare, since the growing adoration of niece and nephews would bolster her confidence?
Is there a suitable independent shop in your locality which might be interested in her fashion creations? Why not make enquiries and lead her towards this idea?
Step by step — good sister that you are — you could help her into the world in small, practical ways.
Meanwhile, it might interest you to look at the excellent website familylives.org. uk, where there is a section about bullying. You could research the long-term effects and encourage her to talk to you about her feelings.
But yes, I think you should most definitely gently persuade her to talk to a counsellor (see itsgoodtotalk.org. uk/ t herapists), perhaps poi nt i ng o ut t hat her wonderful creativity can also be harnessed to re-create her own life.