My husband bullies me into sex

QUESTION: My husband of 20 years is a lovely, kind man and great father. But having just gone through the menopause, my sex drive has waned and I almost never feel like sex.

He can’t accept this and persists with emotional manipulation and foreplay when I clearly don’t want to make love. I adore him and want to be a good wife, but don’t know what to say. ANSWER: Let’s be clear: coercion is coercion at any stage of a relationship — even after 20 years of loving marriage.

your husband’s behaviour not only contravenes every basic romantic principle, in a court of law it could be deemed criminal.

No always means no, from either gender. And you need to dispense with any lingering feeli ngs of guilt, because your husband is guilt-tripping you into feeling inadequate. you are not rejecting him so much as being brutally booted around by your biology.

your spouse needs to recognise this and be understanding.

He should be holding your hand through this strange, new, post-menopausal turf. Desire will only return with l ove, patience and understanding.

If you can’t explain this to your spouse yourself, why not see your GP together or a properly qualified couples’ counsellor? A third person can be better placed to mediate.

there are many simple, effective remedies that aid this transitional phase of life. HRt works for many and I know women who swear by oestrogen pessaries and organic lubricants.

A few disorientating years of sweats and mood swings can be followed by a phoenix-like rise from the tyranny of hormones.

However, the greatest chance of reviving desire lies in having a kind and respectful partner.

In rare instances, libido doesn’t return to post- menopausal women. the only way through the mid-life maze is mutual honesty and a willingness to listen and adjust. sometimes the sanest path is renegotiating the terms of the relationship.