And finally, the big blond beast made it to the crease
ALL the House wanted to hear was the ‘second maiden’ speech from Boris Johnson (Con, Uxbridge). It would not be quite so maidenish – so virginal – as last time round, but perhaps that was only apt. Anyway, Boris’s re-entry to the Commons is a big event. He never quite got the hang of the Commons before. Could he crack it this time?
The House had met at 2.30pm and the first half hour was wasted by an Urgent Question on Fifa’s corruption controversy. Ridiculous. There had been a similar effort last Thursday. Again we learned nothing save MPs’ ability to spout cliches about ‘the beautiful game’.
The foreign affairs section of the Queen’s Speech debate began at three o’clock with a speech from the Secretary of State, Philip Hammond. Bejaysus, what a bore. He could be a cross between Sir John Major and the late Clement Freud, the delivery both leaden and tinny. Mr Pooter goes to Brussels. Commiserations to the London diplomatic corps and, indeed, to foreign ministers in other lands who will face long meetings with Mr Hammond. But perhaps this is a brilliant ruse. European negotiators may eventually do anything – ‘give that droning maniac what he wants!’ – to bring their meetings with him to a close.
After almost an hour of glacial observations about ‘diplomatic tool sets’ and ‘strategic shrinkage’, the House was stultified. Keith Simpson (Con, Broadlands) was holding a hardback book about Stalin and seemed ready to whack it against his bean to render himself unconscious.
Ed Miliband (Lab, Doncaster N) turned up, flashing ‘hellooos’ at one and all. He even waved to the sketchwriters’ corner of the Press gallery. Ed looked cheerful and well. Shadow Foreign Secretary Hilary Benn was almost, but not quite, as yarn some as Gunner Hammond, substituting long-windedness with irritating piety. Soon Speaker Bercow called his best friend Julian Lewis (Con, E). Why? Can it be that dear Julian is campaigning for the Defence select committee chairmanship? Typical Bercow favouritism to call Mr Lewis. Other would-be select committee chairmen such as Richard Graham (Con, Gloucester) and Bob Stewart (Con, the Pig & Whistle) had to settle for time-limited speeches. Col Bob, hearing some rhubarb from the Scots Nats, said ‘will the SDP please keep quiet?’ Er, they’re the SNP, Bob. Boris had made a couple of interventions – one on Mr Hammond about the historic city of Palmyra which i s currently at threat from Isis, the second on Mr Benn about the European referendum. Mr Hammond’s response subtly patronised Boris. Time was passing and Speaker Bercow’s batting list for the MPs who wanted to contribute to the debate plainly had no early slot for the biggest blond beast in the Chamber.
It may be that Mr Bercow intends to keep Boris in his place. Envy?
B UT waiting brought its consolations: good maiden speeches f rom, among others, Rebecca Pow (Con, Taunton Deane) and Melanie Onn ( Lab, Great Grimsby), a shouty one from Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh (SNP, Ochil) – she firmly told us how humble she was going to be. And there was an astonishing one from Johnny Mercer (Con, Plymouth Moor View), one of the best I have heard. Ex-Army officer Mercer, in a Commando tie, spoke of mental stress suffered by soldiers and of some of his battlefield experiences. What a belter of a debut.
And Boris? He was finally called at 7.40pm. The staccato delivery and self-parody style does not work so well in the Commons as before the public. MPs see through him. He was ab-dab-dabbing too much. Could such a waffler ever command the House at, say, Prime Minister’s Question Time?
But he did finally get round to saying something noteworthy. He told David Cameron that if he does not get what Britain needs from the EU negotiations, he has ‘got to be prepared to walk away’ and that ‘we should be prepared to strike out and forge a future that could be just as glorious’ outside the EU. Well said, Boris!