JONATHAN CAINER

‘ THE fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves, that we are underlings.’ So goes the line from William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. It raises vital questions, still pressing today. Are we truly controlled by our guiding planets as if we were puppets dangling from invisible strings? Neither the mechanical nor spiritual implications of this idea would be seriously suggested by any astrologer today. Yet there remains an impressive pattern of correlation between cosmic alignments and earthly events. Where my predecessors felt obliged to explain this, I am happy just to acknowledge (and be amazed by) it!

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 EVERYTHING will work out well this weekend. But how well? Very well? Well enough? Or, ‘Well, things could be better, but . . .’? Much depends, as always, on your expectations. Too often, to protect ourselves from disappointment, we try not to hope for too much. Yet in wearing the blinkers of pessimism, disguised as realism, we may prevent more positive developments from arising. Remember, you are entitled to a degree of success, then act as if there is no reason why it shouldn’t come your way. Discover what the Dark of the Moon reveals about you. I’ve got news that will make your spine tingle and

TAURUS Apr 21 — May21your heart leap. Call 0906 751 5601. YOU are the same person who you were last week, last year, last century! But haven’t you moved on a little since then? Don’t we all learn something new every day? Aren’t we all for ever growing wiser? We are, but accumulating such wisdom often involves a temporary phase of confusion during which, in order to become more certain about what we now know, we first must become more uncertain about what we thought we knew. That’s a positive process. It will do you much good this weekend. Now, during the Dark of the Moon, your future can be revealed... and changed. For your NEW spookily accurate forecast, call: 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22 MERCURY ends its recent retrograde phase, enabling you to feel, this weekend, as if you need no longer keep going round in circles. Not that this has been the case. You have accomplished much and understood even more during this time of reflection. But a part of you has become frustrated. Many folk feel a similar frustration when Mercury is retrograde, which is why the process gets a bad name. But it doesn’t deserve it. You now deserve all the gains you are clearly starting to make. It’s the mystic Dark of the Moon; I have looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER June 23 — July 23 CAN YOU levitate? Teleport yourself between two places? Bend spoons with your mind? Just because we have yet to see proof of such powers, we cannot conclude: ‘Hey, they do not exist!’ Perhaps you haven’t tried — or haven’t tried hard enough? Or perhaps you’ve tried too hard, and these things happen more naturally to those who relax? Remain sceptical, by all means, this weekend, about your supernatural gifts. But don’t doubt your more basic abilities. These, as you will soon see, are strong. Discover what the Dark of the Moon reveals about you. I’ve got news that will make your spine tingle and your heart leap. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23 THIS week, in your forecast, we have been getting technical. If I have blinded you with science, I am sorry. But I make no apology for the fundamental forecast. Your outlook is good and getting better, despite appearances to the contrary. There are always sceptics and naysayers, and when we are not being treated to the negative opinions of others we can play the role ourselves, questioning the relevance and validity of just about everything. But there is no need for that this weekend. All looks good! Now, during the Dark of the Moon, your future can be revealed... and changed. For your NEW spookily accurate forecast, call: 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 ALBERT KING, the great blues artist, released an album called Born Under A Bad Sign, in 1967. He didn’t compose the title song, but his name became firmly linked with it. So one might imagine if it were truly possible to be born under a bad sign, he would know. We might expect the story of his life, from 1923 to 1992, to read like a litany of disaster yet he enjoyed great success. You weren’t born under a bad sign. You were born under a good sign! Ignore negative expectations this weekend. It’s the mystic Dark of the Moon; I have looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 THEY say: ‘The past is a cashed cheque, the future is a promissory note and the present is the only hard cash we have.’ I’m sure that’s true and wise. Perhaps we do squander the ‘hard cash’ of the present by thinking too much about the past and worrying too much about the future. But that doesn’t make every trip down memory lane a wasted one. This weekend, you will find the sweetest, surest, safest route to the happiest version of tomorrow’s world is via a lesson learned long ago. Discover what the Dark of the Moon reveals about you. I’ve got news that will make your spine tingle and your heart leap. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO Sep 24 — Oct 23 YOU WANT your forecast for the weekend, don’t you? And you want it right now, do you not? May I ask how badly you want it? Do you want it so much you can almost taste it? Might you be willing to do almost anything if it would ensure the granting of this wish? What if I were the kind of unscrupulous character willing to take advantage of someone with such an appetite? Lust is one of the seven deadly sins. Thankfully, this weekend, brings you the strength and wisdom to rise above this and conquer it. Now, during the Dark of the Moon, your future can be revealed ... and changed. For your NEW spookily accurate forecast, call: 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 IN MANY lands, the birth rate varies during the year. It is as if nature knows children have a better sense of survival in a month with a conducive climate. But where that’s true, membership of the zodiac signs is not equal. So, if the cosmos is a democracy and there are, for example, more Sagittarians, does it mean you can expect to get your own way more often? Probably not. So there must be another reason why you will find so much works in your favour this weekend. It’s the mystic Dark of the Moon; I have looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 YOU have an encouraging outlook this weekend. Should you celebrate? Or should you proceed with caution to ensure every advantage is maximised and you don’t, by acting too impulsively, fritter away any gain the cosmos may be offering you? While it is almost always wise to apply some prudence, life sometimes presents us with moments that need to be seized and opportunities that ought to be grasped with eager gratitude. Allow yourself to worry less and to have a little fun. Discover what the Dark of the Moon reveals about you. I’ve got news that will make your spine tingle and your heart leap. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 IN WHAT many film critics consider their finest hour, Laurel and Hardy played delivery men charged with taking a piano to a house that could only be accessed via steep steps. True to form, they kept encountering new obstacles and coming up with ever more ingenious solutions, which sounded sensible at first, but eventually got them into even more trouble. Such dramas are funny to watch but painful to participate in. Events, this weekend, offer you the dignity of an observer. Now, during the Dark of the Moon, your future can be revealed ... and changed. For your NEW spookily accurate forecast, call: 0906 751 5611.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 HOW can we think clearly if we allow ourselves to be sentimental? But then, how will we live happily if we are not? There is nothing stupid about compassion. It is never foolish to care. The impulse to be kind is one of the highest aims a human being can aspire to. There may be times when we can go too far or are best advised to protect ourselves by shutting down and sealing off our hearts. But this weekend, where there is genuine empathy, there will yet be a route to genuine success. It’s the mystic Dark of the Moon; I have looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5612.