JONATHAN CAINER
ARIES
Mar 21 — Apr 20
There is safety in numbers. That is why we stick together, rallying around points of broad agreement, even if we differ on the detail. And if some of that detail turns out to hide a devil so sulphurous that further cooperation seems obnoxious? Many might argue that, even then, it is best to place a peg over one’s nose and carry on, at least until you can see how many others have clamped their nostrils, too. At which point, you may all form a splinter group. It is best to moderate the pace of change now. Need to change your life? one call costs less than coffee and cake but it will make you feel better. Call 0906 751 5601.
TAURUS
Apr 21 — May 21
TIME Travel. No wonder we think of it as fiction. It contravenes every rule we respect in day-to-day life. It contradicts every principle that has ever been explained to us. A further clue to the indigestibility of the concept can be found in the phrase ‘day-to-day’. We can all, as far as we know, progress only from one day to the next. But what if we could go straight from this day to any other day we chose, be it in the past or the future? To a small but significant extent, you can now rewrite history, changing tomorrow in the process. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5602.
GEMINI
May 22 — June 22
SMART people know how to play dumb. And dumb people know how to act smart — or they think they do! The very cleverest can recognise there are some things they can never hope to fully understand. And the not-so-clever? They like to flatter themselves that if they think hard and long enough they will be able to make sense of just about anything! Today, it turns out that you can crack a code that previously had you bewildered. What does that make you? Well, it ought to make you happy! Your lightshedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5603.
CANCER
June 23 — July 23
‘THE definition of insanity,’ so they say, ‘is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result.’ They keep on saying this — and they keep on saying that other very clever people have said this, too. The quote is often wrongly attributed to Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, even Mark Twain. So, if none of these erstwhile intellectuals ever actually said this, yet everyone keeps insisting that they did, what does that tell us about those who are so fond of this phrase? You are not repeating an old mistake now. The future is waiting for you. When you get there you are going to love it. Be inspired. Call your latest forecast: 0906 751 5604.
LEO
July 24 — Aug 23
IF YOU think you know what’s going on, you may be wrong. And if you think that you don’t, you may be wrong about that, too! The cosmos is seemingly conspiring to ensure that your expectations, regardless of what they may be, will be called into question. Using any power it may have at its disposal, including the ability to defy the limitations of time and space itself, the universe will keep changing your situation till you concede confusion. Only then will all be happy and clear. So why wait. Give up now! Need to change your life? one call costs less than coffee and cake but it will make you feel better. Call 0906 751 5605.
VIRGO
Aug 24 — Sep 23
SORRY? What was that? Did I just hear the suggestion that we are on this earth to enjoy ourselves? What an idea! Was somebody forgetting about the rent that must be paid, the work that must be done, the duty that must be discharged, the discomfort that must be endured, the worry that must be dealt with, the fear that must be respected and the stress that must be experienced? Oh, I see, they were saying that when you have Venus in your sign, none of that matters, were they? Let’s see if they are right. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5606.
LIBRA
Sep 24 — Oct 23
WHY do some people have personal trainers? Can’t they just exercise on their own? And why do some people have bosses? Can’t they just set themselves their own tasks and organise their own workload? But then, that leads us down another road of enquiry, does it not? Why do we have teachers? Why can’t we just look up whatever we need to know in a book? Sometimes, we all need others to play roles we can’t play so easily for ourselves. That should be celebrated, not resented. Your lightshedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5607.
SCORPIO
Oct 24 — Nov 22
WHEN visitors come, we want our homes to look their best. We may also dress up to create a good impression. Is this what your ruler Pluto did when it knew that NASA was sending a space probe on a fly-past? Is that why this distant ice-world put a giant heart-shaped emblem on its chest, as if to say ‘now I know that you all think I am a dark and doomy influence but just look, I am clearly full of love and light?’ You, like Pluto, know what it is to be cruelly misunderstood. You are setting your own record straight now, too. The future is waiting for you. When you get there you are going to love it. Be inspired. Call your latest forecast: 0906 751 5608.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 23 — Dec 21
NOBODY wants to fall in the river, but if they are going to end up there, they might prefer to be dressed in a diving suit with helmet, air tank and, perhaps, a flotation device as well. It might be nice, too, for them to know that they had a radio with which they could summon help. And if they were told to look out for valuable packages, recently thrown overboard by an escaping smuggler, they might at least feel inspired to believe that they could profit from their predicament. Have faith in fate. Need to change your life? one call costs less than coffee and cake but it will make you feel better. Call 0906 751 5609.
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 — Jan 20
WHY do we need police officers, judges, critics and authority figures? Are we not sufficiently equipped with the ability to run our own lives without troubling others for their assistance? We can, of course, happily turn to the task if requested. Some folk genuinely want to be told what they can and can’t do or what they should or shouldn’t feel. It makes a pleasant change from bossing ourselves about. But today, if you want the easier life you deserve, just go more gently on yourself and others. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5610.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 — Feb 19
CHARON was the ferryman who rowed the souls of the departed to another realm. That is also the name of Pluto’s giant moon with its dark pole and five-mile deep ravines. What has this to do with you? Nothing, officially, yet. But isn’t there some symbolism in the way you may now be preparing for a journey to an uncertain destination. This is absolutely not as dramatic as a ride in Charon’s boat. And you could make your life a lot lighter and easier by viewing your situation with less suspicion. Your light-shedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5611.
PISCES
Feb 20 — Mar 20
HAVE you opened your envelope, extracted the paperwork, perused it thoroughly and memorised every word? And if not, how can you be compliant? What hope do you have of satisfying the very precise criteria by which all candidates are assessed? Then again, you may care to consider that the reason you haven’t done your homework is because you haven’t been set any. You are neither being tried nor tested. It is perfectly sufficient to do your best and honour the spirit of an agreement or an understanding. The future is waiting for you. When you get there you are going to love it. Be inspired. Call your latest forecast: 0906 751 5612.