My drug-taking ex wants me back

DEAR BEL ALMOST three years ago, I fell pregnant to a man I barely knew. We weren’t a couple and he was in favour of an abortion as he enjoyed his weed- smoking, womanising ways.

He eventually came around to the idea of a baby and I allowed him to be involved. However, his behaviour has never changed.

After our daughter’s birth, we did become a couple and he was devoted to me and the baby, but drugs were still a problem and he was terrible with money, so we always struggled.

We broke up when our child was nine months old, after ferocious arguments. I did not want her to grow up surrounded by hostility.

Fast forward two years and my daughter and I are living with my parents. She’s in nursery and I work in a law firm and have a contented life.

We’ll have our first holiday in September with my best friend. I’m also due to begin training for a better job and am saving for a deposit for my own place. My daughter’s father never has her overnight because he rents a room and lives with other men.

He’s still terrible with money: he never has any and doesn’t give me any for her (though I’d be reluctant to take it anyway).

I think he still smokes weed (I’m not certain), but I spend most of my spare time with him so he can see his daughter.

He’s desperate to give things another go. But I’ve begun seeing a man who has been a close friend for six years and I think we are falling for each other. I see a future with him, a happy one, but feel tied to my child’s father.

Guilt makes me reluctant to move on. I do care about him, I’m just not in love with him. I’m scared that if I tell him, he’ll fight for overnight access and he isn’t responsible enough. My daughter has never spent a night away from me.

At the same time, am I not entitled to pursue my feelings for this other man?

TANYA

MY fIRST question is going to be very blunt, I’m afraid. Are you still sleeping with your daughter’s father? I hope you can see why this would be a bit of a game-changer.

You see, I’m puzzled by the clear implication that he thinks he is still in with a chance and doesn’t know you don’t love him. Really?

You must have done something to give him such hope, more than just spending time with him so that he can see your daughter.

So I can’t help but wonder what. It boils down to this: if you are (even occasionally) sharing his bed, then you are being culpably dishonest.

And if you are not, then what can be preventing you from levelling with him about your feelings — other than the dishonesty that stems from cowardice and fear of confrontation?

You sound as if you have done so much to get your life sorted out. You deserve congratulations for that.

How right that you encourage the relationship between your ex and your daughter. But your haziness about what you actually are to this man is (a) deceiving him unfairly, and (b) preventing you from continuing to develop the life you want. You have to do something about this.

Of course, you can ‘ pursue your feelings for this other man’. You wouldn’t have to ask if you had been clearminded about the old relationship.

At the time, you wisely judged it bad for you and your child because the man showed no signs of being able to play a strong role within the family and your relationship was horrible and hostile. What’s changed?

I’m astonished you don’t know if he still uses cannabis, because surely you’d have asked. You must also be aware that a court is unlikely to grant the drug-using father of a small girl overnight access when the accommodation is shared with other men. Surely you should consult a solicitor about that, rather than just being ‘scared’.

Honestly, you have to shake yourself out of this strange apathy and continue the good work you’ve begun.

Have a crisp, adult, frank talk with your ex. Tell him you have met someone else. Say you will never do anything to harm his relationship with his daughter, but t hat i t would be entirely inappropriate to have her stay overnight with him at this stage. If he gets nasty, get a good solicitor. There’s absolutely no need for you to feel guilty, so start thinking clearly and move on.