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Hey Jonathan, I was born when Venus was retrograde. Isn’t Venus retrograde now? Is this a good time for me? Pam. Hey Pam, It has become fashionable to greet news of any planet turning retrograde with groans, raised eyebrows and gestures of despair. But this optical illusion really isn’t inauspicious. It may indeed be good for you! Note: Apparently, it i s de rigueur, after attending WOMAD to announce your discoveries. So may I just briefly say: Molotov Jukebox, Magnifico, Osaka Monaurail and Cat Empire! Oh… and in some traditional Tibetan music, drums are human skulls — and trumpets are human thigh bones!
ARIES Mar 21—Apr 20 CHANGE. We all feel sure we want it. We clamour and campaign for it. We feel drawn to the people who look as if they can deliver it. Until, that is, the change comes. Then we start to wonder if we really want it. Even if, at first, we’re enthusiastic, we begin to worry that it is too much, too fast. We suspect we’d be happier with more checks and balances. We fear we’ve set in motion ‘change X’ when we should have tried for ‘change Y’. That said, you may truly like the change that comes your way this week. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.
TAURUS Apr 21—May 21 WHEN we’re not sure of something, we give great credence to our uncertainty. ‘Surely,’ we figure, ‘it’s reckless to just plough ahead with false confidence when the path may neither be safe nor straight.’ Such logic is hard to argue with. Yet it lies behind a lot of needless dithering. Doubt, it seems, is contagious. If we see someone suffering from it, we figure they must have good reason to feel it. This week, you’ll yet get proof that you’ve been looking at a very big question mark attached to a very small question! Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.
GEMINI May 22—June 22 IF IT seems, this week, as if you just can’t win, ask yourself what you stand to lose? Are you protecting something that doesn’t deserve as much energy or anxiety as you invest in it? Has too high a price been placed on too trivial a detail? Might it even be possible that there’s a spot of mass hysteria in the air? Just because lots of folk all think (or fear) something, we can’t automatically conclude that it is real or relevant. The main discovery you’re about to make is that you’re not as exposed as you fear. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.
CANCER June 23—July 23 IS THIS week’s Full Moon a Blue Moon? For an official answer, the astrological purists must debate with the etymologists. Some say a Blue Moon is the second Full Moon in a calendar month. ‘No,’ say others, ‘it means the rare time when you get two consecutive Full Moons in the same sign.’ By that criterion it is not a Blue Moon. But since when did any ‘experts’ have authority to rule in, or out, a magical possibility? There’s at least a chance something marvellous can happen in your life this week. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5604.
LEO July 24 — Aug 23 YOU’RE doing better than you think. You’re more appreciated and admired than you realise. Not only are you emanating an attractive air, you’re earning genuine respect. This, as you’re aware, is a far more unusual and valuable measure of your importance in the eyes of others. Accolades come and go. Bouquets can be replaced with brickbats. But when folk truly think highly of you, their recognition is based on something less superficial than celebrity. Something deep is developing. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.
VIRGO Aug 24—Sep 23 CAN we believe a word that anyone ever says to us? Are not all our conversations and exchanges misleading? From the very words we say on first meeting, we are co-creating make believe. ‘How are you?’ we ask. ‘Fine thanks, and you?’ That’s what we feel we have to say, whether it’s true or not. And if we aren’t fine and we happen to say so? Why, that’s an abuse of social protocol and makes further dialogue difficult. Yet this week, you will reach a point where ‘fine, thanks’, becomes a genuinely appropriate response! Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606.
LIBRA Sep 24—Oct 23 WE’RE all encouraged to be consistent. Those of us who display too many fickle traits are taken less seriously and seen as undeserving of respect. Yet this can confer false authority upon those who are ponderous and lack spontaneity. Such qualities do not, in themselves, constitute virtue. Now, with all that in mind, let us look at how you are now inclined to change your mind about someone or something this week. Someone else is ready to think again, too. How can that be anything other than good? Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.
SCORPIO Oct 24—Nov 22 SOME people strongly believe we should all lead our lives by the book and by the numbers. But by which book? Are not all books full of words and are not all words open to interpretation? And by which numbers? Are all those digits and numerals quite as fixed in their meaning as we tend to assume? The greatest mistake you could make this week is to imagine there is only one appropriate way to proceed — or that anything that seems less than entirely right is automatically wrong. Be open to new ideas. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23—Dec 21 THERE is much that you don’t like the look of. No change there then. Not that you are a natural critic or complainer. It’s just that you are a human being. You live on planet Earth. Ipso facto, you are inevitably obliged to deal with unsatisfactory situations. As are we all. Unlike most of us, you are blessed with a special ability to see the bright side and find forgiveness. All you need do this week is draw on that inner resource. Ignore what you don’t much like the look of. Focus on what inspires you. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.
CAPRICORN Dec 22—Jan 20 THE forces of law and order stand on one side. The energies of anarchy and chaos align on the other. Well, they don’t align because they are so chaotic. They just hang around ignoring each other while they do their own thing! Anyway, we digress. There is a dichotomy. A standoff. A choice of some kind must be made in order to decide whether established structure will emerge triumphant from this week’s battle, or whether it will be conquered by novelty and spontaneity. My promise to you? Either way, you won’t lose. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.
AQUARIUS Jan 21—Feb 19 WHO is in charge? What do they want? If we seek success, ought we not to establish the answers to such questions and adjust our behaviour? It must be wise to curry favour with the powers that be. But then we should not be too hasty to assume we know their identity, far less their intention. Before you set out, this week, to make too many concessions, consider the chance that, in a sensitive situation, your own voice has more influence than you know. If that’s so, might you not as well please yourself? Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.
PISCES Feb 20—Mar 20 WHAT if I were to say this was due to be a rotten week? Don’t worry, that’s not what lies in store. But the very fact that I find myself needing to issue such a strong reassuring retraction, immediately after that jocular statement says something about the sensitivity we all feel whenever anyone casts an aspersion on our outlook. Even the faintest hint of a suggestion that all may be less than ideal is enough to unnerve us. Don’t listen to negative voices this week, even (indeed, especially) if they are your own. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. In four minutes, I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.