Husband and wife having a baby — even though they live 11,000 miles apart
Laura and Chris say that living in different countries is GOOD for their marriage — and they’re not the only ones
HANDs trembling and eyes s hut, Laura Husson held up the pregnancy test for her husband to reveal the result . When he announced she was pregnant, they shrieked with elation.
But despite the euphoria, there was no hugging and kissing — because they weren’t standing in front of each other in Laura’s home on the Isle of Wight. Chris was 11,000 miles away in New Zealand. This conversation, like many in their marriage, had taken place over the internet.
Despite having been married for two years, Laura, 35, and Chris, 38, have never lived together. And they have no immediate plans to live on the same continent, let alone under one roof.
More astonishingly, Laura’s pregnancy does nothing to change that. They are just one example of an increasingly common trend.
According to a study by the Universities of London and Bradford, one in ten adults in Britain are in a relationship, but not living with their partner — a phenomenon known as ‘living apart together’.
It seems strange any married couple would chose such a set-up, but thanks to children from previous relationships, a global economy that means jobs are often abroad and the ease of air travel, it has become a reality for many.
And surprisingly it’s not the death knell to a marriage that you might think.
The City University of Hong Kong found that couples who participate in a healthy long- distance relationship are more likely to share meaningful thoughts and feelings than those who are not — which leads to a greater sense of intimacy. This can improve couples’ sex lives when together, and their long-term prospects.
so how do you make a marriage work when you live in different countries?
Laura and Chris were well aware of the difficulties. In fact, they tried not to get involved with each other for that reason.
Laura says it was love at first sight when she met Chris at a mutual friend’s baptism in the UK in November 2010. They spent a blissful few days together before making a pact never to make contact again, assuming a relationship couldn’t survive the distance.
‘The feelings were intense,’ says Laura, who is MD of a web development company and has a daughter ellen, six, from her first marriage.
‘But pursuing a relationship seemed crazy since Chris has joint custody of his two sons, aged 11 and 13, in New Zealand and I could never move ellen away from her dad and family here.’
THAT winter, Chris flew back to New Zealand, where he’d emigrated aged 19. Three weeks later, his resolve crumbled and he emailed Laura.
‘After six months of emailing and talking for hours at a time, we realised we’d fallen in love, which was odd given we hadn’t had a sexual relationship,’ she says.
It was more than a year before they were reunited, when Chris flew to Britain in March 2012.
‘I almost walked out of the arrivals hall at Heathrow because I was so nervous,’ says Laura. ‘We were madly in love yet we’d not seen each other since we met 15 months before. In the end it just felt like the most wonderful honeymoon.’
Laura flew to New Zealand three months later, then again five months after that, and also for Christmas. The following year she was back there in April, June and for three months from August.
Laura estimates they have shelled out more than £20,000 on the 23-hour flights.
It was during Laura’s three-month visit in 2013 that Chris proposed. ‘I’d flown out there planning to ask Chris: “What next?” ’ says Laura. ‘With ellen about to start school, I would no longer have the freedom to board a flight whenever I chose.
‘But before I had a chance he asked me to marry him.
‘We were ecstatic. It was our way of saying: “No matter how hard things get, we’ve taken our vows so we’ll make this work.” ’
Though Laura says they are ‘incredibly happy’, she admits it’s not easy.
‘sometimes the children have travelled with us, but at other times ellen stays with her dad and Chris’s boys stay with their mum — it’s all very amicable, but
we do miss our children — and each other. And, inevitably, it’s tough.
‘Separating is painful. The travelling is exhausting and we argue like any other couple. We’ve had to learn to fix rows before we put the phone down.’
Last September, they decided to have a baby. ‘I didn’t want Ellen to be an only child,’ says Laura, now 28 weeks pregnant. ‘But we had to work out how all the pieces could fit.
‘The long-term plan has always been that once Chris’s boys have finished school in five or six years, he’ll join me here. But that feels more urgent now we’re having a child. What keeps us going is that we plan never to be apart for more than 12 weeks at a time. It’s the countdowns that we hang onto.’
Dr Max Blumberg, a psychologist at Goldsmiths University, says: ‘Boys and girls need both parents as role models, and evidence shows boys in particular suffer when one parent is absent as a result of divorce or parents having a longdistance marriage.
‘It’s crucial for children to have regular slots each week when they can communicate with their absent parent and it’s better if they can also see them using technology such as Skype or Facetime.
‘ But t here i s no substitute for being in their presence.’
Selina Gabbitas, 55, also lives thousands of miles from her husband.
For the past two years of her 23-year marriage, s he has remained at their fourbedroom h o me in Nottinghamshire while Wayne, 56, lives in Abu Dhabi.
Selina confides the distance between them has brought sparkle back to their marriage.
‘We were distraught when we made the decision,’ says Selina, a gift shop owner. ‘ But now we’ve adapted, it’s had a magical effect on our relationship. I get butterflies when I see Wayne after months apart and we are flourishing as individuals.’ Selina was 15 when she and Wayne met at the local badminton club.
After three years, their relationship fizzled out — only f or them to be reunited 12 years later. By that point Selina had been married, divorced and had a son, Jonathan, now 26. ‘We fell in love again the moment we saw each other,’ says Selina.
The couple married in 1992 and have two children, Matthew, 23, and Madeleine, 19. In 2013, an opportunity arose in the Middle East for Wayne, an engineer. He moved to Abu Dhabi in September 2013 and Selina followed soon after.
Within a few months, though, Madeleine confessed to missing her parents dreadfully. ‘I felt as if I’d abandoned Madeleine,’ says Selina. ‘Wayne and I went to bed each night with knots in our stomachs knowing she wasn’t happy.
‘In the end we decided to sacrifice our relationship so I could support the children. Initially, I felt as if I’d been widowed. I had to function as a single parent.
‘And I missed the intimacy. We were always very tactile and I longed to feel Wayne’s hand in mine. People always ask whether I feel insecure about Wayne being out there on his own, but I honestly don’t.’
Selina and Wayne settled into a rhythm of speaking on Skype every day. Wayne visits for a week five times a year, while Selina makes twice yearly trips to Abu Dhabi. The distance has had a positive impact on their personalities.
‘Free from domestic life, Wayne can focus on work and has been promoted. I’ve opened a new gift shop and have to make my own decisions. I’m proud of myself.
‘The distance has enabled us to see each other as individuals instead of just being parents, and to be a couple again. We rarely used to go out on our own, but now we spend time together doing lovely things, such as a break to Paris last year.’
AND there is something else for them to look forward to. ‘In eight years, Wayne’s contract will finish so until then we will make the most of the romantic reunions. ‘We definitely find each other even more attractive than ever.’
Dr Blumberg says these countdowns can be what saves a marriage from falling foul of geographical separation. He explains: ‘Research shows the longer they go on, the less likely long- distance relationships are to survive. Those that do tend to because there has always been an end point in mind when the couple will live together.’
Interior decorator Rachel Stocker, 45, spent the first 13 years of married life living with her husband William, 46, in Botswana, where he’d moved aged 18 and owns a property development company.
But four years ago, Rachel moved back to Somerset with their children Archie, now 14, Jack, 12, and Ella, eight — without William.
‘The plan was always that our children would have a private secondary school education in England, but making the move was a huge wrench and we delayed it for as long as we could,’ says Rachel, who lives in a six-bedroom farmhouse near Glastonbury.
It wasn’t a seamless transition. Rachel admits: ‘For the first three years, I cried every time William left. Last summer, I decided I couldn’t keep on like that.
‘I’ve learned to recognise the positives, such as the fact that we appreciate each other more. I can see how hard William is working for us and he admires me for building a new life here from scratch.
‘We speak three or four times a week and when he comes home there’s a definite flutter of excitement,’ says Rachel.’