My man refuses to sleep in my bed

QUESTION:

My boyfriend is 46, but has never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than three years, while I was with my ex for more than a decade. We have a great sex life, but as soon as it’s over he wants to move bed, saying he can’t sleep. We rarely spend more than three nights a week together. I’d like more commitment, but fear I’ll scare him off. What do I do?

ANSWER:

Where do you think your boyfriend’s intimacy issues come from?

His behaviour is typical of someone who had an unsettled childhood. Under such circumstances, children learn to be self-reliant and it can be hard for them to rely on others for emotional fulfilment.

I have observed this ability to detach in men who went to boarding school at an early age, in children who were fostered, in those who moved around Army bases when young and in those who weren’t sure who was their primary care-giver.

If you understand the underlying reasons, you might not feel personally rejected.

Hugging, touching and intimacy are learned behaviours, which can be hard to acquire late in life. I know this seems perplexing when sex is straightforward, but you can lose yourself and all your inhibitions in passion; postcoital togetherness requires you to be emotionally present.

It’s an ambitious endeavour to turn a commitment phobe into a stay-at-home hugger. It would be a step in the right direction if you could persuade your boyfriend to have counselling.

But the women who have had most success with intimacy-shy men are those who give them space. If he meets a woman who’s strong enough to not only withstand, but embrace, his arm’s length treatment, it can be a turning point.

However, there’s no dishonour in not being that woman. Most of us prefer a partner who is able to share our space, time and bed. Only you can decide whether three nights a week with the man you love is better, or worse, than seven with someone else — or on your own.