Why being in love with yourself is good for you
THE NARCISSIST TEST
by Dr Craig Malkin
(Thorsons £10.99)
THIS is a gripping and sometimes terrifying book that will make you look anew at your spouse, your parents, your children, your friends, your enemies, your fellow workers and, perhaps most pertinently, your reflection in the mirror.
and if your reflection pleases you far more than any of the others, you probably won’t like what you read.
narcissus, of course, was the youth in greek mythology who was so handsome everyone fell in love with him instantly. But all this adoration hardened his heart, and he became as well-known for his indifference to others as for his beauty.
Eventually, the gods grew tired of the human wreckage he was leaving in his wake and placed a curse on him, so that he, too, would know the pain of unrequited love.
Soon after, he happened to be passing a pond, caught sight of his own reflection and fell madly in love with it.
So drawn was he to the reflection that he dived into the water to be with it and drowned. in modern times, of course, he would be a star of reality TV and a multi-millionaire.
in psychological terms, then, narcissism is one of the ‘ dark triad’ of personality traits, along with Machiavellianism and psychopathy. if you find all three together in the same person, it’s best to steer clear. (Jimmy Savile would be a good example of the combination at its most potent.)
But narcissism on its own has a fairly poor reputation, too.
Dr Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard Medical School, defines it simply as ‘the drive to feel special’. in moderation, one might ask, what is wrong with that?
For to do anything in this world, you need enough confidence to make yourself capable of doing it, and it’s better to feel a bit special than to feel inadequate, bogstandard, mediocre — even if you happen to be all those things. So Dr Malkin believes that what most of us think of as narcissism (self-aggrandising self-absorption that blocks out all empathy and fellow-feeling) is, in fact, one end of a sliding scale.
if you are a nine or a ten on the Malkin scale, you’re basically mentally ill. You have convinced yourself you’re special, despite much evidence to the contrary. You have an overwhelming sense of entitlement, and think other people are there to be exploited.
Whereas if you’re a five, you have a good dose of what Dr Malkin calls ‘healthy narcissism’ — and what the rest of us would probably call r obust self- confidence. Enough for me to write this article today and know it will be Ok, but not enough to invade Poland.
and if you are a zero or a one, you have a narcissism deficit. You never enjoy feeling special. Maybe you never have done. You can’t accept love or attention because you don’t feel worthy of it.
life at this end of the spectrum is just as ghastly in its way as at the other. Dr Malkin provides a quick and straightforward test for this, which you can do yourself and then test all your family on to see how bonkers they are, too.
There are 30 statements, each of which you can either strongly agree with; agree with; feel neutral about; disagree with; or strongly disagree with.
‘i like to dream big, but not at
the expense of my relationships’ (strongly agree). ‘I often defer to other people’s opinions’ (strongly disagree). ‘I’m apt to show off if I get the chance’ (what, me?).
He then discusses where it all comes from — nurture rather than nature, for narcissist parents can wreak havoc on future generations. Most usefully of all, he gives five telltale signs to help you spot the narcissist in your midst.
Sign one i s Displaying Emotion Phobia. ‘Human interaction poses a scary problem for narcissists who are, deep down, extraordinarily insecure people.’ They shore up their selfconfidence by imagining they are perfectly self-sufficient and impervious to other people’s feelings.
So, when you innocently present them with yours, they don’t like it. They might go silent, leave the room, or change the subject. Or, if they lash out in anger, they condescend to you, demonstrate their superiority. ‘Their main goal, in all the bluster, is to hide that you affected how they feel.’
Sign two is Playing Emotional Hot Potato. Narcissists avoid their own horrible feelings by passing them on to others.
But this is not a matter of confusing their feelings with other people’s — ‘ they actually coerce you i nto experiencing the emotions they’re trying to ignore in the first place’.
So a friend who hasn’t returned your calls for several days may wander up to you and say: ‘Are you upset with me about something?’
As she is the one not responding to calls, the odds are she’s the one Say ‘narcissist’! Bradley Cooper takes a selfie with fellow stars including Ellen DeGeneres, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt at the Oscars who is angry. However, rather than recognising the feelings as her own, she accuses you of harbouring the grudge. Sound familiar?
Next is Exerting Stealth Control. Narcissists feel uneasy about asking for help, or making their needs directly known. Much easier is to remain in charge, make all the decisions and impose them on others as faits accomplis. (All those characters on The Archers who are always booking holidays or buying cars without telling their partners first? Narcissists all.)
Fourth i s Placing People On Pedestals. That could be l overs, friends, bosses, anyone.
For narcissists, this is just another way of feeling special. ‘The logic goes like this: if someone this special wants me, I must be pretty special, too.’ Watch out for the sycophants at work, or the boyfriend who says you’re perfect and that he loves you before he’s even got to know you. FINALLY, there’s Fantasising you’re Twins. you know those couples who tell you they’re alike in every way and that it’s like looking in the mirror? Two narcissists for the price of one.
Moderate narcissists, says Dr Malkin, can be ‘turned’ with care and attention, and perhaps intensive therapy from someone like him. People can change.
Indeed, there are times i n our lives when we are naturally more narcissistic than others.
When we are ill, for instance, or grieving, we have to concentrate on ourselves, make ourselves feel special simply to keep going. Adolescents, too, are notably narcissistic, as most ( non- narcissistic) parents have noticed. But they get over it. In short: they grow up.
For extreme narcissists, however, there’s not usually any way back. It’s a pathological condition — the damage runs too deep.
The only thing the rest of us can do is to avoid them at all costs. I know that from bitter experience, as you probably do, too. Whichever the case, you will not be able to put this book down.