I pray that my vile husband’s new lover dies soon

DEAR BEL NEARLY three years ago, my husband left me for another woman.

We’d been on a lovely family holiday with our son — then 16.

Two weeks later, my son and I came home from shopping to find my husband had left us, leaving a letter on the mantelpiece. We had been together for 23 years.

At first he denied another woman, saying he’d not loved me for years — and if I gave him a hard time he’d move away, which meant my son would not see him.

His personality changed. He was ruthless and vile, telling his family I was a terrible wife — all news to me as we always seemed to laugh so much.

My son and I were devastated. But about six weeks after he’d left he asked to come back, and I agreed, asking for reassurance that there was no affair.

Then the truth came out. He’d been seeing a work colleague for months behind my back.

She’d been to our home many times over the ten years they’d worked together.

I was still prepared to take him back — as long as we went to marriage counselling.

At the last minute, he changed his mind and moved in with her.

My son and I both had counselling for a long time. Now he sees his dad three or four times a week — although he will never forgive him for leaving.

He says he’s still his dad and they remain close — which I am fine with as my son’s happiness is the most important thing in my life. He has nothing to do with the other woman and vows he never will.

I greatly appreciate that. My husband stopped all contact with me when he decided to choose her. I have not spoken to him or seen him since that time.

He also cut all contact with my parents and siblings. When he picks my son up he parks two streets away from our home.

My problem is that I still have not come to terms with him leaving. I still get upset.

I pray his new woman dies a horrible death as soon as possible. I hate not having the life I had — happy and complete.

It took a long time for me to have a social life again: a night out with my sister and friend every weekend. I also go to the gym and work full time.

But I am s o unhappy and disappointed that it still hurts so much. I have never met a man who interests me since; all the nice ones are taken.

I am 55 years old. Will I ever feel happy again?

ROSA Y ES, it upsets me to r eflect that some readers might be thinking, ‘Oh, that same old story’ — because each time a marriage ends (unless the parting is mutually agreed) the pain is unique and the loss as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

Of course, I am generalising. Tolstoy was right when he began Anna Karenina with the sentence: ‘All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’ Nobody (me for example) can think they know anything because they too were left, but ‘got over it’ in time. The same old story is — each time — a vast, unique personal saga.

Nevertheless, you asked me a direct question. So I shall summon up the courage to reply: ‘Yes, you will.’ In time and if you work at it.

Yet I suggest that since change drives all our lives (for good and ill) it’s important to realise that you cannot be happy in the same way — in other words, not as you now remember that elusive state called happiness, defined in terms of what you had with your ex-husband.

The disillusion with the man you l oved, the terrible shock of his hostile behaviour, the loss of all your

dreams of on-going family life… nothing can make any of that ‘ better.’ Such experiences scar us for ever, and it’s dishonest to pretend otherwise.

I hardly dare suggest that perhaps still (after three years) refusing to forgive this man and wishing ‘a horrible death’ on his partner is not the way to help yourself progress to the next stage in your life.

Such feelings may be normal — yet I am certain they are not very helpful.

At the risk of your anger, I want gently to point out that they just add to the terrible weight of loss you are carrying, and unless you vow to drop that burden it will (sooner or later) break you. Even after four or five years, after counselling (well done for that), you could still suffer health and emotional problems — unless you confront this vital issue of how to accommodate the past in order to release yourself into a new future.

CONSIDER this: in the long term, a huge effort of will on your part right now will help the son you adore so much. It actually isn’t good for him that you ‘greatly appreciate’ his refusal to meet the woman who now shares his father’s life.

Again, I may totally understand your feelings but I’m afraid I’d be doing you a disservice to condone them. What will happen if and when your son wants to marry?

Will the ‘other woman’ be banned from the wedding? Wha t repercussions will there be? How unhappy will the ongoing discord make your son? And what if there are grandchildren?

Will you still be locked into grief and hatred in 20 years?

I beg you (and mentally I am on my knees here — honestly!) to realise how much damage is done when the wronged person ( as you most certainly are) refuses implacably to bend, to change, to accept.

Without such an emotional and intellectual leap now i t will be impossible for you to rebuild your own life and find any sort of new happiness. Can you see that?

This is not a plea for forgiving and forgetting — not at all. You can never forget how your husband behaved and forgiving him feels a tall order.

But deciding not to let his betrayal continue to run in your veins like poison . . . that’s a different matter.

Go out, do new things — and maybe you will indeed meet a ‘nice’ guy, perhaps one whose wife treated him like dirt. Who knows?

This I do know: the day you can make the effort to assure your son that it won’t hurt you if he does have tea with dad and the girlfriend, is the day you will feel free.