Can I ignore my lover’s endless cheating?
DEAR BEL PLEASE help me to find peace of mind — I just can’t get over my partner’s past.
Before meeting him I was married to a wonderful man I loved and respected. Our life together was happy and we were loyal and faithful to each other.
Now I am a widow — but this new man swept me off my feet and made me believe I could love again. He tells me he loves me and we were happy for a time. For, to my great heartache, I discovered that he has a very promiscuous past, has had scores of affairs with married women and has cheated on every female he has ever been with.
He even had a ten-year affair with his best friend’s wife. I think about this 24 hours a day and have no peace, even at night.
He promises it’s all behind him and he wants a new start with me. I have taken to checking his emails and social media, but all of this is spoiling what we could have together.
What can I do to forget his treacherous, lying, immoral past? I feel sometimes I am going mad. It has soured my outlook on life because I don’t trust anyone now. He has broken my heart — although I am still with him. I try to forget, but I can’t.
MARGARET
This short, handwritten note had no address and no more detail than is printed here, which is rather sad, as i would love to k now more. For example, you don’t give your age, whether you have a family, and how long this new relationship has been going on.
You say you are ‘with him’, but does that mean he’s moved in with you? A key pi ece of information would have been exactly how you found out about his colourful past.
There’s no choice but to jump i n with some guesses. i’m imagining you are over 60 and that this relationship came along when you were still grieving for your late husband.
it must have been like a light switched on — to have attention paid to you and feel the centre of a man’s attention once more. After all, in a long marriage it’s not quite like that, is it?
Late-flowering romance is very seductive, but the experience of writing this column leads me to worry about ol der women who leave themselves wide open t o being very hurt. Better, s urel y, to live al one with happy memories than to be put on the rack at a time of life when you l ong f or ( and need and deserve) tranquillity.
having said that, the problem you mention can strike at any age. A woman in her 30s might fall for a guy only to discover he’s been a serial philanderer, who is now assuring her that the l eopard has well and t r uly changed his spots.
To believe or not to believe, to trust or not to trust?
Ten years ago, i might have advised forgiveness; now i am more likely to urge caution.
Call me cynical (i never thought i would write that), but i don’t think people change that much, unless they have a true road-to-Damascus conversion.
The first question to ask yourself is whether you have absolute trust in the source of your information. You must try to verify it before you let this make you even more miserable.
have you had a real conversation with this new man — i mean one where you sit down for a long time and start at the beginning?
You would be amazed how hopeless people are, neglecting the conversation and exchange of truths that should be the bedrock of any relationship.
Ban the word ‘love’ from this conversation and try to discover why he acted as he did in the past and why he thinks he has changed, and so on.
‘What’s love got to do with it?’ as the great Tina Turner sang — when what you need is companionship, ease and fun, not to mention mutual trust and the promise of a stable future?
Without that, what’s the point? The image of you obsessively checking his emails and social media is truly depressing.
how is there any way forward from this position of mistrust and negativity?
since i doubt that you could ever ‘ f orget his treacherous, lying immoral past,’ then i would consider, seriously, that a woman ‘swept off her feet’ as you have been, is in a prime position to become a victim.