Last Night of the Trots

Ajubilant jeremy Corbyn stood on a table in a Westminster pub on Saturday afternoon and l ed his ecstatic supporters in belting out the Red Flag.

a mile or so down the road, thousands of people were filing into the Royal albert Hall and Hyde Park for the last night of the Proms. they were joined by thousands more braving the elements in Glasgow, belfast and Cardiff.

the pomp and circumstance of the Proms represents everything that ‘ jelly’ Corbyn and his Wolfie Smith wannabes hate most about britain — royalty, patriotism, our glorious history.

For those taking part around the united Kingdom, and millions more watching at home, the main event of the past week was not Corbyn’s landslide labour leadership victory but the Queen becoming our longestserving monarch.

Has there ever been a more rousing rendition of the national anthem at the Proms? not since the jubilee, certainly.

the only anthem Citizen Corbyn recognises is the one that hails the ‘martyred dead’ of socialist revolution. and the only flag he salutes is deepest red. He’d consign the monarchy to the dustbin of history, lower the union Flag and scrap our armed Forces.

all this got me wondering what might happen to the Proms in the, admittedly unlikely, event of Corbyn ever coming to power.

We’re half way there already. the politicisation of the last night started a few years ago, with the organisers handing out horrible Eu flags to the promenaders.

On Saturday night, i spotted a fashionable ‘Refugees Welcome’ banner draped from one of the balconies. Perhaps it had been put there by Pixie balls-Cooper as she prepares to welcome a Syrian migrant family into one of her two lovely homes.

then, towards the end of the evening, the otherwise admirable conductor Marin alsop used her speech to drone on about women’s rights and the need to tackle ‘gender, racial, economic and ethnic inequality’.

TALK about inappropriate. For a moment i thought they’d given Polly toynbee the baton. Come to think of it, in her Sally army-style jacket and no-nonsense haircut, alsop did look a bit like toynbee.

Could this merely be a taste of things to come? laydees and gennulmen, join us now as we cross live to Katie Derham, who is waiting to introduce coverage of the last night of the trots . . . GOOD evening and welcome to the Great auditorium of t he Proletariat, formerly known as the Royal albert Hall. after labour’s historic victory at the last election, Citizen Corbyn ordered that the name of any building, street or organisation containing the word ‘ Royal’ must be changed. all traces of the monarchy are being systematically eliminated.

the Promenade concerts have been rebranded. ‘Promenade’ was considered insufficiently inclusive — redolent of wealthy aristocrats, living off the slave labour of the People, taking leisurely strolls in nearby Hyde Park.

in future, they will be known as the long March concerts, in honour of Chairman Mao and the millions who have perished to further the cause of socialism.

Hyde Park itself has been given over to food production to help provide for the tens of millions of refugees invited to settle in britain by the new Government.

bankers, estate agents, hedge f und managers and anyone suspected of voting Conservative have been forcibly retrained as agricultural workers.

that has freed up most of the boxes at the Great auditorium of the Proletariat for representatives of the People. tonight, the former royal box is graced with the presence of len McCluskey, spiritual leader of unite, and a number of distinguished members of the TUC general council.

in place of the bourgeois Promenaders, we have a hand-picked selection of anti-austerity demonstrators and Stop the War activists, brandishing ‘ jez We Did’ placards and colourful flags from around the world, including those of Hamas and Hezbollah.

as part of Citizen Corbyn’s ongoing re-education programme, tonight’s concert will have a completely new look, aimed at reflecting the hopes and aspirations of the People, as outlined in labour’s manifesto.

but before i run you through what we’ve got in store tonight, first let me apologise for the delay in the start of proceedings. this is due to a wildcat strike by london transport workers, which has prevented the audience from arriving on time, and an ongoing dispute with members of the Musicians’ union, who are threatening to pull out of tonight’s performance unless they receive an immediate 35 per cent pay rise, in line with inflation.

Citizen Corbyn has promised that their demands will be met, and has ordered the bank of England to print the required f unds, which are being brought here now by armoured car.

Once we get under way, the baton will be taken by our beloved leader himself, Citizen Corbyn.

Viewers will find the format of much of the programme familiar, although the words to some of the music have been changed. as usual, there will be an eclectic mix, from the modern to the traditional.

We begin with a new orchestral arrangement of Sir William bragg’s seminal folk song take Down the union jack. Our featured soloist this evening is the world-famous baritone tommy ‘ two Pizzas’ Watson, who will be treating the audience to his celebrated interpretation of Gilbert & Sullivan’s i am the Very Model Of a nonce Finder General. after that we cross to belfast, where Gerry adams will lead the band of the Provisional IRA in a rousing medley of rebel songs. Former london mayor Ken livingstone dons a pearly king outfit and performs Maybe it’s because i’m a trotskyite on the spoons.

and another highspot to look forward to is Good Evening, Gaza! We’ll be crossing to Palestine for a rendition of there’s no Place like Hamas, accompanied by a spectacular display of Katyusha rockets fired at israel.

From there we move on to libya. no last night would be complete without a selection of sea shanties, sung this evening by a choir of Mediterranean people-smugglers.

the main event we’re all looking forward to is a live link to homesick british jihadists in islamic State, who will be waving severed heads and rapping along to the soundtrack of Straight Outta Compton.

no national anthem tonight, obviously, but we will be singing Rule, Hezbollah! and closing with Citizen Corbyn’s reworking of land Of Hope and Glory. So you can sing along, we’ll be putting the words on screen: Land of Bullingdon Tories, Haven of the rich. We hate Margaret Thatcher, Glad she’s dead, the witch!