Dear Deidre, who should I choose?

As Harry flip-flops between two blondes, we imagine the letter he’d write to the legendary agony aunt ...

Hi, i’m a 31-year- old guy caught between two super-hot blondes. Obviously, i’d like them both — ideally romping about in a hot tub, who wouldn’t? But my granny says i need to grow up, stop drinking Jagerbombs in Boujis and settle down.

i know i should make my mind up, but i keep getting distracted by how great they both look in their instagram photos, so i need your help.

Chelsy is 29 and a sex-bomb lawyer from Zimbabwe. Some (snobby) people say she looks a bit louche and ‘comes from different stock’ to me. my grandpa thinks she’s ‘hot as Hades!’ We met when she was at Stowe boarding school and i was 20. People say Stowe’s for thickies, but she’s much cleverer than me.

She also has a dream body, fantastic hair, gorgeous pouty lips — inherited from her beauty-queen mum — dances like a goddess and knows all there is to know about posh African safaris. But most of all she’s fun and fiery, and OmG when we’re together we can’t keep our hands off each other!!

We went out on and off for six years. She even moved from Cape Town to Leeds to be closer to me. When we were together it was great — i really loved her, but it wasn’t easy. She hated the weather here and couldn’t wear all her nice skimpy tops and had boring law stuff to learn. Then i missed her 22nd birthday party to go to the Rugby World Cup Final in Paris and she went berserk.

We kept trying but we were young and, looking back, i was a bit of a prat. The last time we were properly together was at my brother’s wedding, but when i winked at her and said, ‘You’re next!’ she was off like a bouncing reebok. Since then, we’ve both been out with other people but i still fancy her — is it just lust, or is it true love?

The other girl is Cressida. i call her Cress — like the fruit. She also has truly great legs — i’m a lucky man. Unlike Chels, we’ve got loads in common because Cress is dead posh and is bezzies with my cuz Eugenie.

We first ‘hooked up’ with each other three years ago at a festival at my mate Arthur’s stately home in Hampshire. it was a bit awkward because Chels was there, too — they went to the same school! — but she was coolio and a few weeks later we were off to London film premieres, dancing in mahiki and snogging a lot.

Things hotted up when we jetted off to Necker island in the Caribbean for Sam Branson’s birthday party. And cooled down soon after when i was caught playing strip billiards with a group of women in a Las Vegas hotel pool. Grandpa loved that story! LOL!

Anyway . . . we patched things up and kept in touch when i was in Afghanistan — did i mention i was in the Army?

i’m not a great letter writer, but i tried and it worked because we had a real laugh skiing in Verbs and going to our friends’ weddings in their castles — and less of a laugh at the theatre (yawn) and shooting with granny at Sandringham.

She is sweet and good and kind and the sort of girl you should marry, but it was all a bit long distance and, if i’m honest, i was never that keen on all the beanie hats and Doc martens. Then she seemed more interested in acting than mucking about with me. So in the end, even though i left the Army, it just sort of fizzled out.

And d’you know the weirdest thing? After we split, she suddenly went all sexy and started wearing all the stuff i’d always secretly hoped she would. And then just as i was about to text and ask her out for a nice burger, she got with some beardy actor bloke with really good hair! i was gutted.

Sorry, Deidre, if i’ve banged on a bit, but as you can probably tell, i’m in a state. Because you’ll never believe it, but though Chels went off with some other bloke for a while, both girls are single again and both want me back! maybe it’s my brilliant new orange beard, or perhaps my new maturity — even my brother says i’ve grown up a bit.

Chels came to see me in Africa on my very serious and hard-working trip during the summer, but then i invited Cress to my 31st birthday party this week — and she looked HOT!

Trouble is, i just can’t decide where i go from here — Chels, Cress or back to Vegas?

Look forward to hearing from you.

I can’t think of anything worse than a royal wedding — with me as the bride 10 Here’s Chelsy arriving at Will and Kate’s wedding in 2011 — Chels, you looked amazeballs. Though you did turn pale when I said it was your turn next 24Hands off, hairy!...

Tone down that Tango tan and you’ll be fine 3Luckily, Kate was on hand to dish out ‘sisterly’ advice as the girls came to watch William and me saddle up to play a chukka or two

Harry may be hot, but this country’s freezing! 1 First time I saw Chels, sitting on that swing, sun in her hair and 18 layers of clothes to keep out the British weather, I knew she was mine

8Arghh! A knife in my heart. Nearly two years on and I was still missing her. But she was out partying with another guy

23Hey what’s going on? She pouted in LA with dishy actor Freddie Fox. And the Oscar for jealousy goes to...

2She didn’t always get her outfits quite right, but no one’s girlfriend looked sexier — or sulkier — at the Cartier Polo

17 A night out at Wembley Arena in 2014 — but do you think she was getting a little bit bored?

9 A year later, in 2010, we were still more off than on, but didn’t we look great together on parade?

18Sob. Two months later it was over. She wouldn’t come to a wedding in Memphis

22 Wow! She looked right at home in a regal ruff for her new movie, Tulip Fever

16 Off to the theatre with Cress for a bit of culture, innit. I didn’t even fall asleep!