Should I leave my wife over her nude sex texts?

DEAR BEL IN 2010, my wife received some inappropriate texts from a man she did voluntary work with. She said she was surprised to receive texts, as he was on holiday with his wife and children.

Over the next year she changed dramatically — put a password on her computer, lost weight and bought and hid new underwear. I became alarmed that she was spending a lot of time talking to him after meetings.

She was usually so honest and caring I wanted to believe her denials, but I started to look more closely and found flirtatious texts on her phone (at a rare time she left it unguarded!) and many calls to a mobile number. Confronted, s he admitted an ‘intense friendship’ and fantasies about an affair.

Perhaps my next move was not wise. I went to see the man and because of his smug countenance, arrogant manner and those texts, I punched him. Then, in my wife’s eyes, I became the sinner and she the victim.

Somehow we overcame this huge setback to our 20-year marriage and I even agreed to the voluntary work continuing as long as there were no more secrets, no time alone with him. But after a few months it started again.

I’ve tried to get her to talk about the obvious problems in our marriage, but she denies any. In January 2014, I gave her an ultimatum: work at it or end it. Months later I found her tablet still l ogged i nto Facebook and discovered she was communicating every day with her ‘friend’.

Devastated s he was so infatuated, I put spy software on her phone and discovered they’d discussed sex fantasies, suggested sex in his van, and that she had sent naked photos.

She claims they never had sexual contact and tried to lie her way out, but I had proof.

She then claimed it was flirting, as she was bored with life. I said our marriage was over and I wanted to sell the house and make a new start. Since then we still live together (trying to sell the house) and she says she thinks we can still make our marriage work. But she won’t accept responsibility for what happened.

I do not like what I have become — affected physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.

My business has suffered and I’m very concerned about the affect our break up will have on our adult children. I’m in my mid-50s and never imagined I’d be looking at a future without security and the wife I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.

When I told her I wanted a divorce, she asked for a chance. A year later, she has not made any significant effort to change.

She claims I’ve exaggerated how damaging the other man was to our relationship and since she hadn’t slept with him, it did not count as a betrayal! I’m sad and frustrated.

Should I stay or go?

JON

Your letter was four t i mes as l ong as there’s space for here and in a short followup you made a touching comment: ‘I have some wonderful friends that I can talk to, but it is my best friend that I am losing!’

I find it surprisingly wonderful that — when you have been so grievously hurt by your wife for five long years — you can still call her your best friend. In fact, the tone of that second email (not for publication) impressed me more than I can say: it was kind and fair.

So here’s the strange thing: when I read your very long letter giving chapter and verse of five years of pain, I found myself thinking: ‘This marriage is doomed.’ But when I read the short note, I thought: ‘This marriage could be saved — but only if Jon’s wife tries being honest for a change.’

I wonder what your male friends are telling you? I doubt there’s a man reading who doesn’t think you’ve been sorely tried and that, in your place, they too would have gone down the route of an open punch in the face and covert spyware.

I’m not condoning — just saying that your reactions we r e understandable.

What you discovered through

‘spying’ was intolerable — and your wife needs to know, without any shred of doubt, that (in my book) her mean and secretive behaviour over five years has been as much a betrayal of your marriage as if she had spent a weekend in a hotel having sex with this bloke.

Everybody should note that if you want to keep any action (like lunch with a colleague or texts from a new chum) entirely secret from your partner, then you have to ask yourself why. Yes, some people are afflicted by damaging jealousy and i admit that might be a reason.

Nevertheless, i n most cases, fantasies and guilt are at the root of those secret phone calls and clandestine meetings i n pubs. Mental and imaginative infidelity is real — and i’d like her to know how cruel it is.

This you have discovered. You describe an intolerable situation where you are living under the same roof with the house on the market — yet still love your wife.

But you are sure (as you say in your full letter) that she is still in love with the other man. she still denies hurting you, when your letter is one long cry of pain. i find that shocking.

Nowhere do you say that you tried counselling, which is a pity. i firmly believe your wife needs to hear you describe your feelings in front of a third party, a professional, who can guide her through an awareness of what’s been going on.

it’s entirely unacceptable to go on lying about this. surely a set of counselling appointments should be a condition of your decision (if you make it) of giving the marriage one last chance?

But if you decide to set yourself free, i can assure you that it is possible, at your age, to construct a wonderful new life, once this torture has ended.