Will moving home hurt my daughter?

DEAR BEL I LIVE with my daughter, who has Asperger’s syndrome. I am 66 and she is 32. We live on a main road, which is convenient but can be noisy and frightening.

We have had a lot of issues with neighbours and staying here would still bring its stresses and problems.

So recently I put my flat on the market and now have a buyer — and have also found a house in Kent, which my daughter and I both like.

However, having spoken to family and friends, I find that some seem to oppose my decision to move.

They say that, considering my daughter’s condition, she would find this difficult to cope with and it could have a detrimental affect on her. They say she would be better off staying in familiar surroundings.

Although I do see their concerns, I have made this decision with the object of having a better quality of life.

The new house has a small garden, which she would like, as she likes gardening. She is not working and so has no commitments here.

My other daughter, who is 29, tends to think that her sister would be left to fend for herself if anything happened to me — I am continually agonising over this i ssue and would appreciate your views.

I don’t want to upset my daughter, but I am not getting any younger and feel that it is now or never to make the move.

ROSE

This very particular problem serves to raise a more general issue, which is why i’ve chosen it for today. it’s a difficult one, isn’t it? We want and need to believe that our nearest and dearest have our best i nterests at heart, but their views will inevitably be affected by their own needs and wishes. And sometimes also by their own deep-seated fear of change.

You have two ( obviously connected) problems, rolled together in one short letter. The first is the question of whether this house move is right for you and your daughter. The second concerns a very real fear of what would happen to the daughter who depends on you in the event that you were no longer able to take care of her.

First things first: the idea of the move sounds good to me. What you don’t tell me is how far Kent is from where you live now (that’s the trouble with email — no postal address) and so how complicated (or not) it would be for friends and your younger daughter to visit.

But since you and your daughter both l i ke the new place, and you would be swapping a noisy flat for a house with a garden, there seems no contest — as long as you have worked out the practicalities of shops and transport.

if your daughter would find pleasure (not to mention essential therapy) in taking over the garden, then this is an enormous plus.

Only you can possibly know the extent to which the big change would affect somebody who presumably depends on routine.

Only you can assess how much the disruption to her life would be compensated for by the peace of a new environment and a garden. she must be listened to — and in the end surely her feelings and yours matter more than the well-meant views of those who will be sad to see you go.

The other issue is indeed a serious one. But i am imagining that if and when you move you will busy yourself to establish a new network of friends and contacts around where you live. if you visit autism.org.uk, the National Autistic society’s website, it will provide a list of services in Kent. That’s a good place to start.

Meanwhile, your caring 29- year- ol d daughter can have no inkling of what the future holds: where she will be living or who she will be with.

i think it’s a mistake to look too far ahead, but wise to plan carefully for the near future. so i wish you all the l uck i n the world with this big decision — and secretly hope that your concerned f riends club together to buy some lovely new gardening tools for your daughter.