I want to leave my bullying husband

DEAR BEL I HAVE been with my partner for 27 years, we have three wonderful children, two boys, 22 and 20, both still living at home, and a girl who is 12.

They get on well and the boys dote on their sister, which fills my heart with joy. I love them so much and am so proud of them, but I could be about to turn their lives upside down, tearing the family apart and losing our home.

You see, their dad has a l ways been fairly intolerant and occasionally bullying, but lately it has become unbearable. He has shown his anger by breaking things and being verbally abusive.

Our daughter has witnessed some of these episodes and hates him for it, but he never does it in front of our sons — so they don’t realise how bad he is. How do I tell them?

I really want them to understand, but it won’t be easy. My daughter frets about him when she is not with me and won’t have friends round because of him.

So I must unburden her and have said I will leave him.

It is very sad. I fear their dad’s reaction when I say I want to leave him and we will have to sell our home.

I will not be eligible for social housing and any capital will be swallowed up in renting. We have two dogs, too!

Whatever I do, it will be hellish — I just want it all to be over. I worry about our sons, too, and how it will s pill over i nto t heir otherwise happy lives.

I must take action but do not know where to start. I am scared, Bel. I feel in a deep hole unable to escape, but I must for my daughter’s sake. Where do I start?

CAROLINE

No person can ever act sensibly if they are as panicky as you sound. so you must stop right now, do some deep, slow breathing f or about f i ve minutes with your eyes closed — and ground yourself in the knowledge that this can be sorted out.

of course it will be hard, but you need to cut clear pathways through the thicket of your inarticulate fear. Much as you may long for ‘it all to be over,’ I am afraid that such release must be earned. There are no miracles. For you, as for all of us, there can only be a patient, mindful, step-bystep process towards a goal.

Why do I call your feelings ‘inarticulate’ when you have written a perfectly sensible letter? Because it sounds as if you have stopped communicating with your whole family, except perhaps your daughter.

You tell me your sons ‘adore’ their sister, which makes you very happy. Yet neither you nor their little sis has talked to them properly. presumably, being young men, they lead their own lives. nevertheless, their living under your roof gives you the right to some consideration — which means time to sit down and talk.

I’m not suggesting you tell them that you intend to separate (it’s too soon), but that there are very real problems which you need them to focus on, in order to be able to help you find solutions.

now, let’s consider your husband. This is a long marriage and you are right to be fearful of the miserable consequences of ending it.

so it seems to me it would be wise to find out why he acts as he does. What is the source of his anger? You need the ammunition of information.

A useful website is mind.org. uk/anger and if you visit thecalmzone.net and psychguides.com, you will find information and links to useful booklets — all free and online.

If your husband has always been a bully, I’m guessing you’d steer clear of confronting him with information — but this is where those sons come in. He has to see that his rage is unacceptable and that something is wrong.

It would be perfectly reasonable for you to give him an ultimatum: he agrees to do something about behaviour that’s making his daughter unhappy — or you end the marriage. He can get help for his anger (follow all the links) and the two of you should also get help with the marriage by booking one or two sessions with relate.

I can hear you crying: ‘He’d never do that!’ But your sons have to unite to help you persuade him that the alternative possibilities (home sold, family split, dogs re-homed, no money) are much worse.

so this is my pathway for you: studying the i ssues online; then a full and frank meeting with your children when your husband is absent, showing the boys all the information and asking your daughter to tell them her side of it; then your sons to sit down with their dad and level with him about how unhappy he is making you.

It goes without saying that you must take some more deep breaths and talk to him, too. I see no other way. But nor do I see t hat separation is inevitable.