MEN, KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF OUR LINGERIE DRAWERS!

lunchboxes, planning board meetings and picking up discarded toys. They will also factor in random issues that you overlooked, such as whether or not they are bobbled, laddered or go with that skirt.

Men! Please do not be so nosey about our hosiery. All you need to know is that any woman over 30 who wears ankle socks with f rocks is a bunny boiler. And that there are some things, such as sockettes, stirrups and r einforced gussets, t hat should remain a secret between us and our calves for ever. Yet for those denierdenier men still confused about denierage and who wears what and why, here is my handy guide:

100 denier navy — those Maori-symbol calf tattoos were a mistake. 90 denier black — I’m a nun. 60 denier purple — It’s July in Brighton. 40 denier American tan — The Queen. 30 denier shiny — Duchess of Cambridge. 10 denier nude fishnet — Lap Dancer Special.

5 denier anything — Spun by spiders, worn by no one.