At 75, can I get over my love of bad men?

When older people write with problems concerning sex, I find it interesting because I am sure younger readers goggle with disbelief. There is a received wisdom (or an ageist prejudice) that the need for sex diminishes as you get older — and certainly it can be true.

One can reach the late 60s (like your columnist) and look back with a faint feeling of exhaustion at all the trouble sexuality caused!

There’s such a lot to be said for cosy companionship.

One of my favourite scenes in literature comes i n nicholas nickleby when old Tim Linkin water proposes to Miss La Creevy, s ayi ng: ‘ Let’s be a comfortable couple, and take care of each other! And if we should get deaf, or lame, or blind, or bedridden, how glad we shall be that we have somebody we are fond of, always to talk to and sit with! Let’s be a comfortable couple. now, do, my dear!’

It’s not romantic, certainly not sexy, but oh, how wise Charles Dickens was.

Only you can know how important physical attraction still is — the issue at the heart of your final question.

Because you are so fond of this new man, and no longer young, it might help t o analyse your previous marriages: whether in the past you have been attracted to ‘ bad’ men, with an effect on your sexual expectations.

We can always go on discovering truths about our innermost selves. In f act, i t might help you to consult Relate ( relate. org. uk or call 0300 100 1234 about telephone counselling).

Perhaps y ou don’t realise that you can seek counselling on y o ur o wn for sex a nd relationship problems?

Your chap doesn’t necessarily have to know that you are seeking advice — at least, not at first. Clearly you want to avoid hurting him at all costs.

Can physical attraction grow? I think it can. Many people feel they have a physical ‘type’ — and then feel surprised when they form a serious relationship wi t h somebody who doesn’t conform to that image.

When y ou f orget any ol d, ingrained notions you had about appearance and f ocus on the whole new person who is j ust nicer than anybody you’d ever known, then you can realise that love itself can be as seductive as good looks.

I would hope you might come round to this feeling. And maybe in time (when the first flush has worn off) he will come to think snuggles as important as sex.

But I do think it would be wise for you to talk f ace to f ace with somebody about your feelings.