My husband’s a cross-dressing bully

DEAR BEL

I’M HOPING for your thoughts on my marriage to John, 50, who has his own small business.

I am a 60-year-old nurse and it is my second marriage, his first.

We have a daughter aged 18. My first husband had an affair which started when our son was diagnosed with cancer at 16. He died after the marriage was dissolved.

Meanwhile, I had met and moved in with my present husband.

Over the years he has treated me so badly. He kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant (my daughter developed epilepsy, which might be linked to that kick). He has stolen from me and walked out for days.

I discovered he likes cross-dressing and meets men who do the same. He’s been hiding extremely expensive women’s shoes in the garage. He constantly lies over the silliest things, has an awful temper and at times has scared our daughter — and not spoken to her for weeks.

I have asked him if he is gay, as he’s been online looking at transsexual sites. He says he’s not gay or bisexual.

He says I don’t contribute and should work full-time — when every piece of furniture was bought by me.

We have not had sex for five years, he chooses to sleep on the sofa, goes away most weekends and we have no social life.

I use a gym and look after myself but he doesn’t wash from one week to the next and looks older than his age.

I’m desperately sad; he has worn me down over the years. I should have listened to people who said ‘don’t marry him’ but I wanted the closeness and happiness I had before it all went wrong.

VERA

REALLY I must exercise self-control and rein in the ‘thoughts’ you’ve requested, in case I hurt your feelings — which I don’t want to do. But can you guess what readers are thinking?

I can tell you that many will gasp in disbelief at your letter — perhaps even suspecting your problem is not real.

Why? Because it seems too bad to be true. From time to time, people ask me a question I detest: ‘Are the letters genuine?’ Of course they are!

Sadly, I know it’s all too common for people to stay in abysmal marriages long after the point when they should have left. That is why I believe every word you write.

After ten years in this job, nothing surprises me any more.

The really important ‘why?’ is this: how can a woman with any sense of personal dignity choose to remain living under the same roof as a brutal, evil-tempered, smelly, lying apology for a man — who is as rotten a husband as he is a father and should really be made to pack up his high heels and get the hell out of your home? What’s more, how can that poor woman sincerely ask an advice columnist for ‘thoughts’, which must surely be perfectly obvious?

Since it is extraordinary to me that you stayed with a foul bully (I won’t called him a ‘man’) who could actually kick his pregnant wife, then I must assume that you do not have the sense of personal dignity (meaning self-esteem) I have mentioned.

Although your letter was short (only slightly longer than I have printed) there is enough back story to make me feel deep compassion.

That last sentence implies you were very happy in the first marriage.

Was that husband’s infidelity triggered by his teenage son’s terrible diagnosis?

It can happen that way; some people simply cannot cope with responsibility and pain so seek excitement outside the family.

Whatever the reason, it was not your fault.

On the other hand, I have no doubt that you bounced too quickly into this second relationship — and when your son was dying, too.

Were you terrified of being alone? Did prolonged stress and the anticipation of grief make you needy?

I wonder how quickly your second husband showed his true colours? It sounds as if wise friends spotted his nature from the outset — but I imagine he quickly ground you down.

A woman whose first husband has betrayed her at the most agonising moment in her life and who has had to watch her only child (at the time) die, has had all the stuffing knocked out of her. She almost certainly blames herself for both disasters — and that makes her unable to stand up to a controlling bully.

I’m not going to suggest you go to counselling because I don’t think you should stay in this marriage a minute longer.

No matter how complicated it is (in terms of housing and finance) to end, you should go to National Family Mediation to sort out the details. You are ‘desperately sad’ and ‘worn down’ — but you must see that this will only get worse the longer you postpone action.

Yes, be sad you have been dealt such a horrible hand of cards, but be glad that, at 60, you have time ahead of you to start a new life.