Gwyneth lacks for nothing –except a bit of sense
It’s all too rare these days that you hear an admiring word for goldplated dumbbells. We’re quick to condemn them for being easily scratched and dented, and ultimately just a bit pointless when, of course, we should be marvelling at their stylishness.
thank heavens then for Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop website of gracious living, which offers lifestyle tips and bargains to the huddled masses, including precious metal workout kits and trips to outer space.
Apparently, left home alone on winter nights to surf Gwyneth’s website for delicacies such as raw, sprouted and biofermented fortifying intelligent plant protein (‘delicious warm’) or a cook book that promotes agave plant as a healthy sweetener, some of us have been asking ourselves just how we can consciously-couple up our Christmas shopping under the expert guidance of the star of shakespeare in Love (and the box office flop Mortdecai).
the idea of celebrity-endorsed products has been going on since shirley temple started hawking soap during the Great Depression in the 1930s, but Gwyneth has taken such star-branded hygiene to a new level by celebrating – and from this month selling – a device that allows you to steam clean your ladyparts for an ‘energetic release’.
GWYNEtH enthuses: ‘If you’re in L.A. you have to do it,’ tempting us all to add this to our to-do list – along with rinsing our kidneys in coconut water, blowing our noses on mulberry silk cocoons and sanding down our septums with diamond-encrusted emery boards.
In the past, Goop has encouraged us to inflict low-carb, gluten-free diets onto small children, and to ditch under-wired bras because they increase the risk of breast cancer. Alas, her holistic guides to healthy living require a healthy pinch of Evian-filtered Maldon salt.
Wheat is not the devil’s crumb of choice. Agave is just as toothrotting and calorific as ordinary sugar. Underwired bras do not develop anything other than the illusion that the wearer is carting a pleasing set of buoyancy aids. And a womb is a nicely self-cleaning piece of kit in its own right, which doesn’t require any spritzing with boiling water.
Anyone who fears rupturing their cringe-muscles should steer clear of Goop’s annual gift guide, especially the section entitled Ridiculous (and Awesome) Gifts, which includes £200 toothpaste tube squeezers, £30,000 stereo speakers and those £100,000 gold dumbbells – and for that price, you might as well skip the workout and consult a plastic surgeon instead.
It has been mooted that these objects are just Gwyneth’s little joke; a dig at her reputation for fabulous over-consumption. But it also feels somewhat off-colour – a rather pretentious and sneery taunt if you are someone who regards £35 as the hefty price of a family grocery shop, rather than a fabulous condom dispenser.
Last week I saw a Christmas ad in which one man enthusiastically suggested buying cans of coloured rubber sealant ‘as a great stocking filler’.
At the time I laughed at his opportunism but at least his sealant was useful and it only cost a dollar. Compared to Gwyneth and her snotty list, he’s santa Claus.