The game’s up, Danczuk
MP brought down by dopey bird who sells her toenail clippings online . . .
As GET-rich-quick schemes go, selling your toenail clippings online for a tenner a bag isn’t exactly going to make you a millionaire overnight. perhaps that’s why Labour Mp simon Danczuk’s nemesis sophena houlihan decided to throw in her used undies, too, for a very reasonable £15 a pair.
Even so, it may be some time before sophena becomes Business Woman of The Year and is awarded a CBE, like Jacqueline Gold, of the ann summers sex shop chain.
all successful tycoons prosper by identifying a gap in the market. In Miss Gold’s case, it was Rampant Rabbits and other assorted ‘adult’ paraphernalia. sophena houlihan appears to have spotted a previously untapped demand for second-hand toenails and lingerie.
Good for her. This is the kind of enterprise which Britain is going to need if we are to eliminate the national debt.
There are just a couple of flaws in her grand design, though. I’m not sure how many toenails she includes in each £10 goody bag, but it can’t be that many. Unless she’s using ringers, she can’t possibly hope to fill more than one bag a month with her own clippings.
Toenails grow at approximately half the rate of fingernails, so she’d need to wait at least a month to fill a minimum order of ten.
Even if she charges the punters for postage and packing, she’s not going to clear more than £120 a year. That’s before expenses, such as nail polish and clippers. and there are question marks surrounding her sideline i n one- careful- owner unmentionables. she’d have to change her knickers half-a-dozen times a day just to break even.
It would appear, on f urther examination, that this merchandising operation is merely peripheral to her core business — talking dirty to men on the internet.
SophEna is described as an ‘online dominatrix’, in which c apacity s he became embroiled in a sordid little cyberspace relationship with simon Danczuk. If we are to believe everything we read in this case — which I don’t — Miss houlihan wrote to t he Rochdale Mp inquiring innocently about a job in politics.
although she wasn’t taken on as a parliamentary researcher, she did spark Danczuk’s curiosity and they exchanged a series of text messages — the content of which would usually fall into the category of ‘too disgusting to be described in a family newspaper’.
But — and I know what a coincidence this must seem — a full transcript of these texts did somehow manage to find their way into the public domain. shock, horror!
as a result, Danczuk’s glittering career as a campaigning, independently minded Mp and fearless exposer of child molesters and s ex of f enders t oday l i es in smouldering ruins.
The fact that sophena houlihan was just 17 at the time they texted each other hasn’t helped his cause — even though she was over the age of consent; clearly a manipula- tive minx with the morals of backstreet brass; and despite the fact that the whole thing stinks of a premeditated sting operation.
Unfortunately, Danczuk’s excuse that he was paralytic when he pressed the ‘send’ button hasn’t been quite enough to get him off the hook. In fact, all it has achieved is to unleash a running commentary f rom some of the other squeezes in his life on his qualities as an Mp, husband and father.
his embittered first wife says he is an alcoholic and sexual predator who neglected his children. his second, the self-styled selfie queen best known for flashing her cleavage on Twitter, has weighed in, too — effectively accusing Wife number one of being a prostitute and a ‘money-grabbing leech’.
Then some other dopey bird crawled out to allege he encouraged her to snog Wife number Two while he took photographs, and stalked numerous random young women on the internet. I do hope you’re still with me. To be honest, World War III looks as if it is about to kick off in the Middle East as two major Muslim nations, Saudi arabia and Iran — custodians of the rival Sunni and Shia traditions — square up to each other. In a statement from downing Street last night, the Prime Minister insisted that this was ‘nothing to do with Islam’. I’m having trouble keeping up myself. I’ve had to stop every other sentence to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes.
We haven’t had a good political sex scandal for ages, not since Lord sewer was discovered consorting with prostitutes and snorting cocaine, while wearing a grubby orange bra.
one of the monstrous regiment of madwomen in this story has even claimed that Danczuk will end up being found dead with a satsuma in his mouth and a bin liner over his head — reprising the untimely death two decades ago of Tory Mp stephen Milligan.
oh, how the memories come flooding back. I can remember writing at the time that Milligan went out ‘like a boil-in-the-bag duck a l’orange’.
If the women in Danczuk’s life are right, he will be found slumped over a keyboard, logged on to a College Girls Go Wild website, having overdosed on three bottles of wine, a bottle of Glennhoddle and an industrial helping of amyl nitrate ‘poppers’.
no one comes out of this well, not Danczuk, nor any of the women involved. nor the old Bill, which decided to investigate whether he used ‘inappropriate words’.
What the hell has that got to do with them?
NoR, for that matter, do the opportunist Labour Lefties who are alleging preposterously t hat he ‘ groomed’ sophena houlihan. The Corbynistas are jubilant, since Danczuk has been an outspoken critic of his party’s leadership.
his big mistake was to have forgotten the old adage about people who live in glass bottles, especially when they’ve recently been drained of sauvignon Blanc and single malt.
If you are going to pose as a champion of sexually exploited young people, it’s probably not a good idea to get off your face and start sexting teenage girls, even if they are willing accomplices.
For what it’s worth, I’ve always had Danczuk marked down as a bit dubious. I’m instinctively suspicious of those who shout loudest about sexual exploitation. so I wasn’t surprised when the scandal burst and the women he had wronged came wreaking a horrible revenge.
This i sn’t going to end well, despite Danczuk maintaining he won’t resign as an Mp regardless of whether he is stripped of the Labour whip.
That’s a matter for the people of Rochdale, he says. Indeed it is. and, after all, it was Rochdale which kept re-electing that novelty northern nonce Cyril smith — subsequently exposed as a serial paedophile, partly as a result of an investigation by, er, simon Danczuk.
The trouble is that Danczuk, like s o many others who fancy themselves as celebrities, has spent the past few years starring in his own movie and forgetting all about the ‘ back story’. now it’s caught up with him.
he hasn’t helped himself, of course. If nothing else, his judgment when it comes to women should disqualify him from public office. as it is, he’s just the latest hopeless drunk to commit suicide by social media. he might think he can tough it out, but he can’t. The game’s up, old son. simon Danczuk would like to be remembered as the intrepid white knight who exposed the evil Cyril smith. Instead, he’ll go down as the soppy old fool brought low by a dopey bird who sells her toenails on the internet.